Say it Ain't So, Geo

Stop Giving Roland Emmerich Money...

2009-11-16T05:38:00.003-06:00

...or he'll keep making crap like this. After the dubious accomplishments of directing Independence Day, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow and 10,000 BC, his streak of dreck continues with the abysmal 2012. What's shocking is not that it's a complete and total failure; what's shocking is that legitimate talent like John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt and Danny Glover all signed up to go down with this ship. Woody Harrelson's in it, too, but remember, I called it a list of "legitimate talent."

While not as aggressively and angrily incompetent as Transformers 2, this nonetheless deserves to give that piece of trash a run for its money at the Razzies, awards given out for the worst movie of the year. 2012 is so earth-shatteringly moronic that for much of its brutally overlong runtime (2 hrs and 40 mins) I sat, slack-jawed and stunned, as untold millions of CGI wizardry went to portray John Cusack driving or flying away from a series of escalating earthquakes and doomsday fireballs, only to save humanity by unwinding a rope caught in some oversized gears.

This is about where I'm normally subjected to a variant of the "hey, it's a big summer movie, it's not supposed to be smart" argument. No. Because in a world that's recently delivered blockbusters like Star Trek and Dark Knight, it's no longer acceptable to ignore idiocy as long as it "blowed up real good." So be smarter than I was, resist the money shots in the trailers of cities being destroyed on an unimaginable scale, and avoid at all costs. Waste of time, waste of money.

Two Word Review, Too

2009-09-25T13:39:00.002-05:00

I was.

Two Eps, Two Words

2009-09-23T20:16:00.003-05:00

Meh-lrose Place

9 is Not a 10

2009-09-17T15:47:00.000-05:00

It's prolly more like a 7. Maybe an 8 if you're feeling charitable. Oh, and it's not to be confused with District 9 – don't take the kiddies to that one; this one's scary enough. No, this is the Little-Big-Plane t-Meets-Pinocchio-Meets-Those-Robot-Bad-Guys-From-The-Matrix "9." The titular character is a stitched-up burlap animatron given the spark of life, the last creation of a benevolent scientist amidst a post-apocalyptic world ruled by machines.

I gotta say, I'm a little tired of post-apocalyptic worlds ruled by machines. You'd think by now that everyone's seen enough movies to know that the second you make an artificially intelligent machine, the government will swoop in to use it as a weapon, then the machine will make more machines, which will in turn rise up and destroy us all. As, apparently, their thanks for creating them. And why is the machines' next task to immediately make the world as dank and unattractive as humanly (or machinely, I guess) possible? Did we not program them to like nice things?

Anyway, as post-apocalyptic worlds ruled by machines movies go, this one's not bad by any means. But for a movie dealing with questions of soul, it's kind of lacking one itself. It's hard to get too terribly invested in the numerical heroes – they're well animated and sort of awkwardly appealing, but basically cyphers instead of characters (ha!) There's the brave one, the shy ones, the dumb one, the mean one, etc. Actually, I guess it's the brave 9, the dumb 5, the mean 1, but you know what I mean.

And their struggle is somewhat ill-defined. There're a couple big metal beasties to get away from, a hazily explained quest to understand their identity, and something about pressing buttons on an archaic-looking version of Simon. They trek from one place to another and back to the same place and all of a sudden, 88 minutes are up and you're kinda scratching your head.

If you're a tech demo head or a Tim Burton guy, you'll likely love it. The world is pretty beautifully realized (even if it in itself is ugly) and the CGI is well-executed (with the possible exception of the fact that the little burlap people don't exactly move like they're made of burlap, more like you clicked on the burlap texture in Photoshop). The action scenes, battling the remnants of the machines, are spectacular, altho they're representative of the gap – and trap – this flick falls into. It's prolly too scary for kids, but it's definitely too light for adults. And teens aren't gonna think the characters are cool, so who's this movie made for?

Blu-Ray, perhaps, where the stuff'll be less scary and tech geeks can pore over what I can only assume will be countless hours of special features dissecting the 3D modeling and every step it took to evolve 9 from an Oscar-nominated short to a feature film. For the rest of the world? It's ok. If 9 is a 7, it'd equate to a C. An 8, a B. I'll give it a 7.5... C+. Worth a watch... ish.

Rinse. Repeat.

2009-09-15T07:44:00.005-05:00

Unfortunately, the most memorable moment of Jay Leno's new(ish) show wasn't the much-ballyhooed "comedy at 9," unless you count confronting a somewhat catatonic Kanye West with what his dead mother would've thought of his behavior a barrel of laughs.

There was nothing really wrong with The Jay Leno Show, but nothing particularly breakthru, either. Perhaps it suffered from several months of non-stop promotion or too many "revolution in television" stories, but regardless – the show came off as basically the same stuff that used to air an hour and a half later, just without a desk for most of it.

And that's not bad, if Jay's your thing. Monologue's the same, segments like Headlines are standard crowd-pleasers, etc... If he's not, the "format experiments" aren't likely to be enough to draw you in. Plus, they seemed mostly lifted from other, edgier shows. The Dan Band segment was funnyish albeit overlong and the faux interview with President Obama had a couple moments, but you've seen both correspondent comedy and interviews assembled via Avid done better on The Daily Show and Colbert Report.

Aside from the intentional awkwardness injected into the Kanye conversation, the sit-down segments seemed pretty standard Tonight Show – Jay's fairly good with his friends, altho seemed to miss the desk, as there was some "which leg do we cross now" fumbling. A staged bit around the idea that Jay couldn't book Oprah for his show but Jerry Seinfeld could get her for his segment fell flat.

Overall (and admittedly based on one airing), it's ok. Regular Jaywatchers will be pleased, die-hard Letterman fans won't be interested, and people without a late-night affiliation will prolly enjoy a comedy bit here and there. The best hope for the future comes from the correspondents – even tho it's not a new idea, they may have the ability to connect with a younger audience the way Jay mostly won't. One almost feels bad not being a big fan; Jay is genuine and sincere, but so far not the innovator the world sold him as.

Review Roundup

2009-09-07T08:25:00.038-05:00

Been extra-busy lately, which unfortunately means being less bloggy. "Less" as in I missed much of July and all of August. Sigh. Will try to pick up the pace for the fall TV season, but in the interim here's a quick catchup on the rest of summer cinema...

First up, Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Script - a poor adaptation of one of the least successful novels. The book was largely a 600-plus page setup for the Deathly Hallows finale, but at least opened and closed with some spectacular magic scenes that would've played great on screen. Unfortunately, the filmmakers opted to cull most of that excitement in order to include a series of minor moments designed to show the kid cast's emerging acting skills. True, they've rarely performed better, but the lack of action means that the series has rarely moved slower. Plus, the entire movie looks as if it was digitally graded by turning the "drab" setting up to 11. Worth a watch from a completist's perspective, but a wasted opportunity even tho it made a ton of money.

Wha'dya know? GI Joe, coming from a questionable pedigree and plagued with rumors of horrendous testing, turned out to be pretty good and fairly fun. It's eminently disposable, but executed with such upbeat style that after it zips by, you find you've had a smile on your face the whole time. Saying it's Stephen Sommers' best movie (he of The Mummy and Van Helsing "fame" isn't exactly high praise, but it represents a step up from the slapdash trash he's assembled before. Surprisingly worth a watch.

Meryl Streep's always, well, Meryl Streep – so it's no surprise that the biographical portions that show how Julia Child the somewhat adrift wife became Julia Child the household brand are terrific. She could've come off as a caricature, but instead is a fully-realized and wonderful character. What's a little less compelling is the modern-day portion of the movie, watching Amy Adams as Julie cook and blog her way thru Julia Child's cookbook as a way of dealing with mounting depression. Given that not a lot's at stake (by now we know that both Julie and Julia turn out ok) it goes on a bit long, but overall it's frothy and fun. Worth a watch.

Definitely the strangest movie of the summer and one of the oddest I've ever seen. Labeled alternately as audaciously bold alternate history and revenge porn that plays to the basest of instincts, Inglourious Basterds turns out to be, well, both. Anyone expecting a WWII-era Kill Bill-ish romp will be sorely disappointed – while there's gore to spare, it's queasy and unsettling, and while Tarantino sprays around oodles of his trademark conversational banter, to say the humor is black isn't painting with a wet enough brush. It's a brazen bit of filmmaking, and definitely watchable (depending on your constitution), but it's one of those flicks where you don't exactly feel good about the fact that you think it's pretty good.

Part political satire, part science fiction action, pretty much all awesome... District 9 is an absolute eye-opener of a movie. It's an unsettling examination of South Africa's apartheid policies set against the backdrop of an alien ship of refugees on the brink of resettlement that grabs you from the first documentary-style shot and keeps upping the tension, barely giving you a chance to breathe until the credits roll. You'll squirm plenty, tho, as the aliens themselves are an odd combination of off-putting and endearing and the overall vibe simply gets under your skin. Shot on a shoestring under the producing arm of Peter Jackson, Neill Blomkamp has created a breathtaking and breakthru piece of intelligent entertainment. Worth a watch... and prolly more than one.

Look, I liked it. There are many moments in the movie that are crazy funny. A ton of 'em, in fact. But I prolly waited a little too long to see The Hangover, so by the time I did, I didn't love it. Comedies can be very "of the moment," in that so much depends being surprised that when you hear rave upon rave about something being "the funniest movie you've ever seen" it can't help but underwhelm a bit. If, by any chance, you're waiting for Netflix on this one, rest assured – the tale of this trio waking up in Vegas is plenty funny. It's worth a watch – just don't expect it to, you know, cure all society's ills and you'll be fine.

And everything else, from Angels & Demons to Year One, slipped thru to DVD. Ah well, moving on... Melrose Place premieres tomorrow. Not expecting much.

Full Frontal Funny

2009-07-13T22:20:00.022-05:00

Say what you will about his style of ambush comedy, but you can't deny that Sacha Baron Cohen's got balls. Because you get to see them. Frequently. Along with everything else.

Much like Borat, Bruno is a thinly plotted series of sketches where Cohen admirably keeps in character through largely unscripted interactions with celebs and regular people meant to expose prejudices and biases we'd rather not confront. And also like Borat, it's shockingly, blisteringly and bravely funny.

Instead of ethnocentrism, this time the target is homophobia, altho Bruno does take a bit of a shotgun blast approach, scattering some laughs toward celeb and pop culture as well. The movie doesn't vary too wildly within its 86 minutes, sticking with the basic setup of Bruno sticking his... ah... nose into unprepared situations and pushing the joke far past any arguably point of good taste.

So while some of the jokes hit harder than others (the scripted setups that advance the story are less illuminating and amusing), pound for pound it's consistently and painfully funny. I wasn't around for classic comedians like Lenny Bruce, but I have to imagine that Cohen represents that spirit for this generation. Debased, dangerous and definitely worth a watch.

Transformers Blew

2009-06-27T14:54:00.013-05:00

Ok, let's get it out of the way – yes, Megan Fox is hot. There's another plastic slut in the movie that's pretty hot, too. But nobody, no matter how many things they straddle, is hot enough to save this embarrassing piece of miserable garbage.

The first Transformers was a barely coherent mess that wasted a lot of good talent on a lot of bad jokes, topped by a bit of gee-whizzery in initially seeing cars transform. The sequel takes everything awful about the first one and ramps it up to 111, resulting in a two-hour-and-forty-minute excretion of robot porn with staggeringly huge doses of racism, homophobia and misogyny mixed in for good measure.

The "plot" is an incomprehensible mishmash of other movies – The Matrix, Aliens, Terminator, Robocop, Species, Voltron and so on – creating a hideously mangled abomination that's like being pummeled in the eyes for nearly three hours by a hyperkinetic child made out of DVDs and car parts. And look, no one's expecting a Best Screenplay contender here, but Transformers 2 is so aggressively stupid it fails even the loosest summer movie standards. The "comedy" is mostly drawn in broad strokes that say women are harpies or whores (unless they can fix cars) and black people are shambling Amos & Andy stereotypes, even when they're robots. A mother character that comes off like a retarded shrew, a parade of so-called college girls that would dignify porn stars, and two new Transformers named Skids and Mudflap that make Jar Jar Binks look like MLK.

After starting as a poster boy for the "MTV-style" of quick-cut editing that made his early movies at least visually compelling, Michael Bay has devolved into a jingoistic manchild with an increasingly warped viewpoint of what constitutes entertainment. Terminator Salvation was no great shakes, but at least McG, a director in the same team photo, was shooting for some sense of legitimacy. Bay simplifies everything into a jokey slo-mo masturbatory military fantasy that actually makes you feel stupider walking out of the theater than when you went in. His world must be an interesting one to live in, but it sure as hell isn't interesting to watch. Avoid at all costs.

Land of the Lost 101 Minutes

2009-06-14T19:59:00.013-05:00

Will Ferrell's recent Man vs. Wild special was an engaging and entertaining romp through a desolate landscape. His recent Land of the Lost movie is not. Instead, it's a joyless CGI cheesefest that runs nearly twice as long and has far less than half the laughs.
Maybe it's the co-stars – Wild's Bear Grylls proves a far more appealing foil than Danny McBride, whose redneck smartass routine got old before it began, or winsome (and somewhat random) Anna Friel who looks lost... as in "my agent just lost her job for putting me in this." Or maybe it's the fact that watching Ferrell find ways to be really funny while in real danger is much more entertaining than seeing him mug it up in a desperate grab for guffaws.

I'll admit I have no love for the original show – no distaste, but aside from knowing the song and stumbling across the odd episode in syndication, it's no more than a campy TV footnote for me. So it's not that the movie suffered under a load of fanboy baggage, it's that it's nothing more than a series of sketches lazily strung together by the poorest excuse for a plot in years. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if the monkeyish sidekick Chaka kept grabbing peoples' genitals? Hey, wouldn't it be funny if the time warping invention constantly played 'gay showtunes?' Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Will Farrell poured dinosaur piss on his face? Twice?"

No. No, it's not. Pass.

Terminator Frustration

2009-05-23T19:47:00.018-05:00

There's a really good flick lurking around in what turns out to be only an ok one. After much fanboy handwringing over what horrors McG would wreak on the once-beloved franchise, Terminator Salvation ends up being a somewhat unsatisfying mix of unfulfilled plot points set against well-directed if a bit familiar action scenes.

The movie (aside from a quick prologue set in 2003) takes place in 2018, after a self-aware computer system named Skynet became self-aware, decided humanity was a threat, and launched a nuclear war to wipe us out. Previous Terminator films have centered around time-travel where Skynet, unable to stamp out the last gasps of human resistance led by John Connor, have sent cybernetic killing machines back to the past to terminate Connor's mother, Connor himself, even Connor's future generals. The resistance of the future manages to send back one of their fighters to as protection, Kyle Reese, who ends up being Connor's father in one of those time paradoxes it's better not to think too much about. This one, however, is mired squarely in one set of battles concerning a mystery figure named Marcus and the future father, Kyle.

And that's one of the failings – the film feels somehow small. The action's not, with spectacular set pieces of lil' water terminators, big Harvester terminators, flying hunter-killers, Voltron-esque motorcycle...inators, etc. McG shows a far steadier hand putting these scenes together with more skill and seriousness than one would've guessed from the director of Charlie's Angels and Full Throttle. But every other installment has been an ultimate battle to preserve the future, and after the bombs fall and there's not much left to save, the conflicts in this one seem a bit flat. The main mystery of the movie is of new character Marcus Wright's identity, and once revealed, proves to be more of a head-scratcher than a fist-pumper. I'll save you from spoilers, but overall I think his contribution to the continuity is questionable at best.

The strong cast helps: Christian Bale brings suitable gravitas and growliness to John Connor, Anton Yelchin (Star Trek's Chekov, having a pretty big summer) is effective as a fresh-faced resistance fighter, Sam Worthington succeeds to whatever point possible as Marcus, altho Bryce Dallas Howard barely registers as Connor's wife Kate. But they're put through pretty familiar paces – while some of the callbacks to the first films are fun, even the initially intriguing desert setting eventually culminates in yet another fight in a factory.

A friend of mine reviewed the film as "too much action," and while I don't quite agree with that, I will say there's definitely "not enough of anything else." Apparently 40ish minutes of character development got left on the cutting room floor, so while I have hope for a more coherent director's cut DVD, the final theatrical film is a a string of set pieces and a jumble of unexplained ideas. Characters fall in and out of love with little explanation, alliances are made and broken without much reason, and what should be a major character's transformative moment raises more questions than it answers.

That said, the scale of the science-fiction action does carry the day... but barely. It does an adequate job setting up this next trilogy (it's not a Phantom Menace-level disaster by any means) but it's not truly a "salvation" of a somewhat fading franchise. But as they say in these movies – the future's not set; there is no fate but what we make. So here's hoping they make a more emotionally powerful Terminator 5, because despite this one's faults... I'll be back.

Origin Glory

2009-05-12T08:00:00.014-05:00

Lemme start by making one thing clear: I've never been a Trekkie. Or Trekker, whatever. The original show always felt like a messy mix of less-than-special effects and awkward allegory to me, and the followups while varying in quality, generally followed suit. And it's not like I'm not a genre geek – in the "Kirk vs. Picard" arguments, I'd prolly answer "Ackbar." Anyway, lemme also make one more thing clear: this Star Trek rocks.

Director JJ Abrams has, amazingly, created a reboot that's sincerely respectful to the long-term fans of the franchise but also reinvents the Federation for this generation, making the crew of the Enterprise exciting and actually, you know, cool. Rather than the craggy and portly original cast or the distant thespians who populated the sequel shows, the new crew consists of young fresh faces boldy going on their first mission. Chris Pine takes over the Captain's chair – his Kirk is sort of like the offspring of Jason Bourne and Christian Slater. Zachary Quinto steps out of the morass that is Heroes to imbue Spock with a new sense of spirit and wry humor. Rounding out the eventual love triangle is Zoe Saldana, who gives Uhura an actual personality and more to do than press buttons and fill out the jumpsuit. Also terrific are John Cho (Harold without Kumar) as Sulu and Simon Pegg as an at-least-slightly unhinged Scotty.

And bridging the gap between this movie and previous ones is Leonard Nimoy as Spock, who anchors the time-traveling plot that's fairly twisty, but generally coherent. The villain's a bit of a throwaway – Eric Bana does fine with what he's got to work with, but Nero's not gonna go down in Trek history with Khan, the Borg or even the Tribbles. But what holds it all together is a smart, snappy script that's a refreshing change from today's brooding antihero deconstructions. It's an affectionate nod to the original show's optimism, again retooled to connect with a more urbane audience. And long gone are the legendarily cruddy special effects – the movie's consistently elegant and spectacular.

So strap on your regulation Federation jumpsuit (updated to resemble actual wearable apparel ;), leave any lingering Klingon language baggage behind and get ready for a big slam-bag science fiction actioner that might just be the most fun flick of the summer.

My first Tweetup, I guess

2009-05-01T09:53:00.020-05:00

Don't wanna get too Harry Knowles on you, but should prolly share the circumstances that led to this review. After watching an amazing basketball game and a thrilling but disappointing hockey game, I figured it was time to settle into some DVR before falling asleep. Until I checked Twitter and saw that RealHughJackman was en route to my local theater for a midnight screening of Wolverine. Figuring what the hell, I grabbed a cab and arrived in time to snap this shot:
Shook the man's hand and wished him a great weekend, particularly with the piracy issue and all. He was gracious and fun with the fans - even the ones wearing gloves with foam claws protruding from them. So I'll confess to some potential bias, as the normally pretty manic midnight show crowd was buoyed to frantic hights by having Hugh Jackman in attendance, watching us watching him as...
I didn't have terribly high hopes for this one. Not that Jackman doesn't do a great job with the role, but the franchise's high point was X2, seeming to turn the corner into nonsenseland with the threequel. And frankly, I'm a little burnt out on prequels at this point given that, at some level, you know where it's eventually gonna end up. So how does it hold up?

Pretty good, actually – it's not without issues, but I was pleasantly surprised. The crowd's enthusiasm may have helped smooth out the rough spots, but overall it's a solid actioner with a surprisingly appealing supporting cast. While Wolverine's origin obviously takes center stage (um, hence the title ;) we're treated to snippets of of stories from the wider mutant universe – lots more Sabretooth, a bit of The Blob, some Gambit and more. Some work better than others, but they all help to flesh out a tale we've already seen a decent handful of in the first three films.

The movie spans a couple centuries, starting with James Logan as a child, where we see his mutant powers (and simmering rage) emerge, and traces his evolution into the cigar-chomping antihero we met in the first X-Men film. Along the way, we meet his brother, his maker, his lover and fellow fighters. Some are more successful than others – Liev Schreiber does Sabretooth much better than in the previous movies, and the young General Stryker hits the right notes to line up with how he acts later in life. Many of the other mutants are good, if underutilized – Gambit and Deadpool being prime examples.

Taylor Kitsch (Riggins from Friday Night Lights) is a great Gambit, but we don't get to him until pretty late in the film. And Ryan Reynolds shows incredible potential as Deadpool, but his role, while pivotal, is pretty minimal. This is one problem with the movie overall – it feels like a launching pad for several other franchises, but how they're used here doesn't really lend itself to doing that successfully. I'll avoid too many spoilers, but future movies would either have to take place in a different decade or get retconned to a point where they're sort of unrecognizable. There are also a ton of cameos, only a couple of which really strain credibility.

On a technical level, the movie starts slow but ends in pretty spectacular fashion. Despite rumors of directorial trouble, it doesn't bear the marks of something that spent too long into the ending room or switched direction mid-stream. There's a bit of today's typical over-edited action scenes, but in general it's a pleasure to watch. So overall I'd say strike a blow against digital piracy and head out to watch Wolverine this weekend – it's a good big-budget kick-start to the summer that'll play much better on the big screen than in a blurry Quicktime window.

And hey, I met Hugh Jackman! ;)

Iron Man, Iron Man... does whatever a spider can?

2009-04-28T11:52:00.003-05:00

The question is why? Not why there's a new animated series – last year's blockbuster made that inevitable. Not even why Nicktoons chose do go with a cel-shaded CGI style that's reminiscent of the failed MTV Spider-Man series from a few years back. No, the question is why they decided to ignore the chronology of the hugely successful movie and rewrite Iron Man as Spider-Man Lite.

This show doesn't follow the established billionaire industrialist path for the character, instead reimaging Tony Stark as a Doogie Howser-esque wunderkind that takes up the teenage mantle of Iron Man when his father dies. I get that it's a kids show, but still... you've already got that kids show. It's called Spider-Man.

Also questionable is the animation style. It's inconsistent in that the money was clearly spent on the action moments as opposed to character designs or dialogue scenes, and it's inappropriate in that the overall softness of the look doesn't really fit a suit that's supposed to be made of, well, iron. And the theme song is a slice of pure unadulterated cheese.

Overall, Iron Man: Armored Adventures isn't completely without appeal – kids will likely respond to the action animation – but it just feels sorta inessential. Unlike The Clone Wars, which stylishly tells canonical stories of the Star Wars saga, this feels like an effort to sell more action figures. Pass.

Would you want to watch a show about this guy?

2009-02-21T07:24:00.003-06:00

Yeah, me neither. HBO's new show Eastbound & Down is an abject disaster about an utter failure. Or maybe it's the other way around, I dunno. Regardless, I couldn't make it through more than 10 minutes, and I'd suggest you give it even less. Purports to be a comedy, but is just a hacky excuse to wallow in off-network profanity. Pass.

Heroes Volume IV: A New Hope?

2009-02-05T12:27:00.002-06:00

Heroes kicked off a new story arc this week, and I'm cautiously optimistic. Kinda sorta. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but if you find my lack of faith disturbing, remember – the show has squandered so much of its first season promise it's hard not to be wary. Much has been made of Bryan Fuller's return to the show after the (unfortunately well-deserved) cancellation of Pushing Daisies. Is he our only hope?

Maybe. Based on Monday's episode, there's at least a splash of Luke Skywalker for every dash of Death Star. While it's still a bit inbred (could the Heroes possibly fight someone else aside from their collective brother/father/mother?) this setup at least appears to be clear: they're being hunted down, hence the "fugitives" title. Got it. Like it. And while a few loose ends fray at my nerves (Ando's random supercharger power, Ali Larter as Nikki/Jessica/Gina/Barbara/Tracy still doesn't seem to have much to do, Parkman... well... Parkman, and Sylar's I-am-your-father-wait-no-I'm-not-now-he's-your-father-how-can-you-possibly-still-care-about-this quest) I appreciate that it might take a few eps to tie them up.

But overall, there's a feeling of bringing focus back to the show, which is long overdue. If this arc can reform the Heroes into an "X-men without tights" approach, settling on core characters we care about and having them take on some new issues, I'm back on the bandwagon. Or at least I'm trailing alongside the bandwagon, desperately hoping that all these promos and stories about the return of the show amount to one line... "it's a trap!"

The Curious Pace of Benjamin Button

2009-01-26T17:35:00.021-06:00

Much has been made of the film's running time (2 hours and 40 minutes), the special effects (ranging from unnoticeably excellent to disturbingly weird) and the Oscar nominations (a staggering 13) but I think the most curious thing about Benjamin Button is that it's so detached and dragged out it's hard to care about the main character, whether he's a grumpy old baby or not.

In case you're unaware of the story, the short version is that Benjamin Button lives backward – born an old man and destined to die a child, scattering a star-crossed romance across the better part of a century. Some have compared to "like Forrest Gump, without the cheesy history parts." I guess that fits, but in place of the cheesy history, we're left with lingering glances and soulful shadows that make the movie feel exceedingly well-intentioned, but comparably dull as well.

As a wrinkly babyman, the "young" Benjamin Button looks sort of like Gollum and talks sort of like Sling Blade. To be fair, it's a testament to the effects work that you do, by and large, buy him as a living human. And the work taking Cate Blanchett thru several eras is remarkably well done. That said, as characters like Button's father age, they end up looking like a leftover from an abandoned Dick Tracy sequel.

So while not perfect, it's not the special effects that tank it. Longish running time? Not really. My favorite movie is over 12 hours long. A billion people didn't have a problem with watching a boat sink for 3 hours. But this movie's pacing is so... reserved, so... drawn... out... that it's like watching a glacier melt. Or refreeze, I guess. I dunno.

What I do know is that for a love story that's supposed to span the space-time continuum and defy destiny, I've gotten more passion out of the average Gossip Girl episode, and that's a problem. It's as if so much effort went into assembling the production that they forgot to include emotion. And for this the Academy passed on the Dark Knight? Talk about a hero Gotham doesn't deserve. Pass.

There are no jingle bells, Batman doesn't smell...

2008-12-19T14:10:00.003-06:00

...and fortunately Robin's barely in picture. Regardless , I'm off for the holidays – hope you all have good ones.

Remake or Not To Make?

2008-12-04T13:32:00.010-06:00

As with most questions, the answer is yes and no. Or no and yes, in this case. Recently they (as in "they," the nefarious group that lives in shadows and is blameable for anything and/or everything) announced plans to remake both Romancing the Stone and They Live. I don't adopt the zero-tolerance policy for remakes that many do, but I am tiring of mining recent movies for inspiration. Here's the thing – to remake a movie, you've got to have a better reason than the inability to come up with a fresh idea.

And it helps if the original film wasn't all that great. Case in point: there's absolutely nothing missing in Romancing the Stone. Yes, the cars look all boxy and they don't have cell phones, but most of that movie is set in the jungle – it's not like what would've really made it great were more flat screens. Leave it alone, it's fine. Bring out an anniversary edition on blu-ray if you like. Enjoy.

They Live, however, is a perfect candidate. Apologies to Rowdy Roddy Piper fans (or, um, fan?) out there, but the movie is basically a neat idea, horrible one-liners and the longest, boringist fight scene in recent memory. John Carpenter's made some master pieces, but this ain't one of 'em. So if JJ Abrams or whoever wants to polish up this misfire, I'm all for it... because it'd be fixing a failed film, not trying to recapture a recent success.

So, "they," stick with your substandard science fiction films and leave Romancing the Stone alone. And as for other upcoming remakes, namely Red Dawn, Clash of the Titans, Adventures in Babysitting, Robocop, A Nightmare of Elm Street, Friday the 13th, The Karate Kid, Weird Science, Arthur, Footloose, Flashdance and The Thing, I'd say... sure, sure, I guess, no, if you want, don't bother, prolly not, no, whatev, ok, already did and no.

Better Late... with Whoever

2008-12-01T16:24:00.015-06:00

Despite over a decade of remixing and mocking, Guns n' Roses (which basically amounts to Axl Rose, a bunch of guys, and a million Pro Tools) finally released Chinese Democracy... The Offspring, China, Dr. Pepper and an oddly placed apostrophe be damned.

So Buckethead's been replaced by Bumblefoot, but how's the record overall? While I'm certainly not the final word on most music, I did wait in line outside Tower Records in Hollywood to buy Use Your Illusion I & II at midnight, so I'm feeling free to weigh in. What follows is the first thought that popped into my head upon hearing the disc (by which I mean iTunes downloads) for the first time:

Chinese Democracy
Opening guitar riff sounds an awful like a Judas Priest song... oop, Axl's screaming – I guess it is Guns.

Shackler's Revenge
Really good for both guitar and bass in Rock Band... not so much with the vocals.

Better
Hmm... kinda forgettable metal – listeners beware.

Street of Dreams
Pretty good. Sorta like if both versions of Don't Cry had a kid.

If the World
Sounds a bit like Axl wrote this while listening to Yesterdays and watching porn.

There Was a Time
I think G n' R has basically become a power ballad band – not that that's a bad thing.

Catcher in the Rye
aka November Rainstorm?

Scraped
Interesting Axl screamy harmony with himself... then some mishmosh about don't try to stop us now. Whatev.

Riad N' the Bedouins
Just reading the title sets the expectations for this one at "spectacular failure," and it delivers pretty quickly – Axl opens by screeching that he doesn't care about the story and guess what? Neither do I.

Sorry
Sounds like Axl's sorry he's not Everlast.

I.R.S.
Lines like "could it be the weight I've carried on, like a broken record for so long" are kind of apropos at this point in the album – oh, and the IRS isn't exactly the toughest target in the world.

Madagascar
Not, apparently, that "move it move it" song from the kids' movie – too bad. And a Martin Luther King "I have a dream" megamix? Seriously?

This I Love
Civil War part II – this time it's personal. Down to the "failure to communicate" clip.

Prostitute
Jesus, lighten up – way to go out on a high note. And haven't we heard this song already?

So how's it stack up overall? Ok, I guess. It's not the complete disaster (or no-show) that people predicted, but it's certainly not the next great anything. If you're looking to cherry pick, download Shackler's Revenge, Street of Dreams and Catcher in the Rye and you'll be good. Those are the standouts – as an album, it's inoffensive but inessential.

Is Jack really back?

2008-11-24T12:48:00.007-06:00

Day 1: "You probably don't think I could force this towel down your throat, but trust me I can. All the way. Except that I'd hold onto this little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest the towel, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. Most people probably take about a week to die. It's very painful. "

Day 2: "I'm gonna need a hacksaw."

Day 3: "Once your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die."

Day 4: "Make a sound and I will blow your brains out all over the windshield."

Day 5: "I’m done talking with you, you understand me? You’ve read my file. The first thing I’m going to do is take out your right eye, and then I’m gonna move over and take out your left, and then I’m going to cut you. I’m gonna keep cutting you until you give me the information that I need. Do you understand me? So for the last time, where is the nerve gas?"

Day 6: "You’re gonna tell me what I want to know or you’re going to start losing your fingers one by one."

Day 7: "Come on, children... everybody hold hands!"

Brings to mind that old nursery rhyme, "one of these things is not like the other." Last night's 2-hour ramp-up to the January premiere of 24 stood out from the rest of the seasons, not just because it strayed a bit from format, but in its efforts to establish a kindler, gentler Jack Bauer.

After wandering the globe, Jack has settled in fictional (but typical) Sangala, Africa, working to help relief efforts for a village beset by tribal militia. Refusing a summons to appear in America to answer for torture and other crimes committed by his Counter Terrorist Unit, he smiles at children and unloads supplies from trucks. At some point the militia moves to take control of the country, and Jack walks away for two hours. In classic 24 fashion, this action is cross-cut with the balls-to-the-wall thrillride of... a Presidential inaguration.

Don't get me wrong, there's some action and intrigue – Jack shoots some people and there're some fishy guys floating around the new President's cabinet. But 24 works best as an unhinged freefall thru a shadowy world of shifting loyalties and moralities, and it's hard to find a lot of debateable gray area when the bad guys are African drug-runners killing kids or turning them into child soldiers. And I'm not a big torture whore, but the appeal of Jack Bauer is living vicariously thru his whatever-it-takes worldview, so when the first conflict of the show is watching Jack gently reprimand a child for stealing his knife by giving him a silk scarf, it's clear we're in a bit of trouble.

24: Redemption wasn't a disaster, but it's "Jack's Back!" marketing did it no favors. Some seeds were sown for what looks to be an interesting season, but two hours of Bauer slowly leading kids thru a forest isn't quite what fans have been waiting for... for nearly two years. That said, the preview for Day 7 was packed with action, so this little slice of Madagascar 3 feels like the calm before the storm. Worth watching if you're a completist, but casual fans can make do with the "previously on" montage that'll open the season in January.

The Bond Continuum

2008-11-16T15:50:00.015-06:00

You'd be forgiven if you got your Bonds and your Bournes a bit mixed up – 007's recent reboot owes a lot to the films from Doug Liman and Paul Greengrass. But that's proving to be a good thing, as the first two "James Blond" flicks have been a satifying one-two punch. For the first time in the franchise's history, Quantum of Solace is a direct sequel as opposed to just a "next adventure," picking up moments after Daniel Craig uttered the classic "Bond – James Bond" line at the end of Casino Royale. And it's good. Quite good.

Roiling with rage over the events from Royale, Bond embarks on an unhinged quest for revenge, going up against a mysterious criminal organization as well as MI6 itself. Much has been made of a big falloff in quality, but I've gotta disagree – It's perhaps not quite as skillfully directed, I think the only really big thing that's missing is the novelty of the new Bond. I watched them back-to-back and Quantum really feels like the second half of Casino. Craig's in top form, the action is intense (only one set piece – an airplane chase – is slightly misguided) and the plot, while byzantine, is nicely grounded in real world issues. And the moves manage to toss in references without descending into jokey parody; keep an eye out for a great Goldfinger shout-out.

I'm not pretending it's perfect – the "Bond Girls" feel somewhat tacked-on for tradition's sake, and the villains feel a little like precursors for the threequel, but it's a great gritty ride thru Bond's darker side. Shake yourself a martini or four and enjoy.

Muppets Take Manhattan

2008-11-13T11:25:00.004-06:00

The Muppets took over the Today show this morning, locking the hosts out of the studio and replacing them with Muppetized versions – to the confusion of guests Christopher Meloni and Harry Connick, Jr. 'Twas all good (albeit slightly forced) fun, until it came time to promote what they were there to sell – the Make-Your-Own Muppet "Whatnot" Studio at FAO Schwarz. Not because of the overt product placement, mind you – I work in advertising, so can hardly complain about that. No, what was somewhat unsettling were the Whatnots themselves. Take a look at this clip at about the 3:50 mark...

...and tell me that the Whatnots themselves aren't kinda creepy. Or at least a little sad. The actual idea seems like lotsa fun – pop into the store, make your own Muppet... it's like Mr. Potato Head if you could stick your hand thru a giant hole in his butt.

But the on-air Whatnots? Born bald, blind, deaf and without a sense of smell? Flailing around with nothing but a simple meathole in their poor blank faces? And naked as a jaybird (if jaybirds were made out of multicolored felt and came with the aforementioned hand hole)? My heart goes out the the Whatnots – please, PLEASE, Manhattanites and tourists... rush in to their store and buy out the Muppets! Equip them with eyes, ears, maybe even some hair! Give them a life worth living – one filled with color, sound and adventure... at least until your kid gets bored and it ends up on ebay.

(Prolly don't) Try the veal

2008-11-07T15:30:00.009-06:00

Looking at Obama's first news conference as President-Elect from an entertainment point of view, it seems like we might be in for a few genuine laughs, as opposed to the sneering asides of a frat boy who thinks he's funny.

Tip your waitresses people, he'll be here all week – and hopefully the next 415.

Zack and Miri Make an Okay Movie

2008-11-01T15:37:00.019-05:00

It's his first real non-New Jersey film, but Kevin Smith doesn't stray too far from the flicks that made him famous (Clerks, Chasing Amy, etc.) In this case, the titular Zack and Miri live in Pittsburgh, but barely. The platonic best friends are struggling to make ends meet, and when they run out of money completely, they decide the only option they have is to make their ends meet – on film. Working under the assumption that they can whip together a porn flick and sell it to people they knew in high school, they round up a cast and crew to hit the sheets. If you've seen Smith's stuff (or, well, a movie – ever) you pretty much know where this is going, but is it worth the ride?

If you're looking for a happy ending, yeah – altho the plot isn't what pushes this movie forward, it's Smith's signature combination of filthy comedy and sweet emotion. For every over-the-top belly laugh, there's an on-the-nose touchy-feely moment, and the transitions can be a little awkward. Smith isn't the most subtle filmmaker – rather than subtext, he tends to just add more text. He's as famous for his overstuffed dialogue as his underdeveloped characters, and they're both at play here. That said, while the film doesn't have a lot of nuance, it does have a lot of humor. Unlike other pottymouth comedies, Smith seems to actually care about his characters – and it shows.

Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks bring some legitimate worth to fairly flat roles, and the supporting cast isn't just a host of jokers. But the real star of the movie is Smith's comedy – at it's heart, it's a pretty funny movie. A bit uneven and on the nose, but it'll make you laugh. And most of the time, that's enough. Enjoy.

Normally I do media instead of political commentary, but I can do both with this:

2008-10-24T14:06:00.004-05:00

Seriously?

Paradise City?

2008-10-21T14:00:00.006-05:00

Let's hope. The Hills is still fairly tasty candy, but it's kind of like a Tootsie Pop that lasts a little too long at this point. Still sweet and all, but you're really kinda waiting to get to the good part. Anyway, Whitney's been skulking around the edges for a while, generally demonstrating that she's got more on the ball than the OC's LC and her band of drama princesses. It's not the most imaginative title in the world, as The City looks like it'll feature plenty of Sex, but then again, originality isn't why we watch ;)

Oh jeez, too bad

2008-10-16T16:54:00.008-05:00

Gotta say, it's fine by me. I've never been much of a Trek fan past a few of the movies (yes, the even-numbered ones) but I've read the script for the reboot and it rocks. Well, at least 2/3 of the script – it was so good I didn't want to know the end. Anyway, the Shat's managed to parlay his Priceline gig into a second (or third) career, and that's all well and good, but despite his inexplicable Emmys for Boston Legal, I think he's stayed long past his stardate.

Project Runweh

2008-10-15T17:12:00.003-05:00

Is it me, or is the finale of the last season of Project Runway before it maybe moves to Lifetime about as exciting as, well, anything on Lifetime? Seems like their victory over Bravo may be a bit hollow, as the runway looks to end not with a bang, but with a whimper.

In Part I of the finale, Superman's dad got auf'd, leaving us with three pretty talented designers who make for pretty boring television. There's Leanne, who tries to make up for her lack of personality by naming her design line "Leanimal." Uh huh. Also Korto, whose bio states that her family considers her "fun and easygoing." Thrillride! And the standard reality show search for a villain has landed on the final contestant, Kenley, who's a bit of a brat but isn't quite the next Omarosa.

Who should win? Tough call – Kenley and Korto are a bit one-note-o, so prior to seeing what they'd bring to Bryant Park, I spose I'd throw my vote to the Leanimal. Worth watching, but I'm not exactly on pins and needles.

Lowering the Bar

2008-10-09T11:18:00.007-05:00

So I decided to let this one go – Raising the Bar's an ok show, but once a few eps start clogging your DVR and you're not inspired to watch 'em, it's time to free up space. Much of the show's buzz, such as it is, conerns Mark-Paul Gosselaar's hair. Which I think is part of the problem – while it was one thing to have a big hair story in the middle of the show (see: Felicity... no really, see Felicity) but I'm not sure that you want your lead topic about a pilot to concern how horrible the main character's hair is.

Once you get past Zack's shaggy locks, and aside from some strange stylistic touches (particularly the fact that some scenes open with characters fading into the landscape), you'll find a fairly run-of-the-mill lawyer show. A host of hunks and hotties on both sides of the bench go head-to-head in the courtroom and the bedroom. Ok. It's not as over-the-top quirky as the David E. Kelley stuff, not as ripped from the headlines as the Law & Order stuff, not as aggressively aggravating as Shark, and so on. It could've been launched as "Lawyer Show" and would've have about the same impact. Or perhaps "Scraggly-haired Lawyer." Regardless, it's pleasant but certainly non-essential watching. Enjoy. Or don't. Won't matter much either way.

I called it!

2008-10-02T10:12:00.002-05:00

So, no reason to watch the actual show, I guess :)

Mr. McCain Goes to Washington?

2008-09-25T09:20:00.006-05:00

I normally leave the political discourse to some other guy, but this crossed over into my bailiwick, so thought it was worth a post. Worth a watch – it's a bit long, but finishes strong. I don't watch a lot of Letterman anymore (my late night DVRing consists of Daily Show and Colbert Report) but in this case... well played, Dave.

9021no, but yes to 33401

2008-09-24T13:47:00.018-05:00

Ok, I'm done. Last night's 90210 wasn't particularly awful or anything, but it seems like this show has found it's level... which isn't particularly interesting. Some people hook up, some people fall down, some people were on the original show – I simply could not care less. The only compelling thing about the new class of West Beverly high is guessing whether the combined weight of the young cast is over a thousand pounds. And the initial novelty of seeing Kelly and Brenda (and, ok, Nat... I guess) has long worn off, to be replaced by the unsettling realization that it's really just Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty – nothing about them feels much like the original characters. So it's time to say goodbye to Hollywood and welcome to Miami...

...well, West Palm Beach, actually, but the reference worked better the other way. Anyway, Priveleged is an incredibly winning piece of fluff that's worth a watch. It's about Megan Smith, a Yale grad with literary dreams who's eking out a living in Alphabet City instead. Fired from her tabloid job, she stumbles into a career tutoring the spoiled rich twins of a cosmetics magnate played by Anne Archer. Ok, so it's a little reminiscent of a judge decreeing that you have to be someone's butler, suspend your disbelief a bit and you'll find something fresh, funny and totally worth it. Lead actress JoAnna Garcia is legitimately quirky – by which I mean she's an interesting puddle of believeable contradictions, not a haphazard assemblage of things the showrunners felt were funny. Instead, she's kind of channeling Anne Hathaway in Devil Wears Prada. Regardless, watching her juggle the goofball twins and her iffy family history is breezy, bubbly hour that's way better than its lead-in. I've given 90210 four or five episodes to establish itself, but was hooked on Priveleged in four or five minutes. The first three eps are online, but it's not the deepest dish in the drawer – you could prolly catch up with next week's show. Enjoy.

Hell and Back

2008-09-22T00:28:00.012-05:00

Both shows may have climbed their way out of the pit with their season premieres. Smallville's more of a metaphor – the show's been a hit and miss mess for several seasons – while Supernatural took it a bit literally, with one of the Winchester boys clawing out of his own grave before the credits rolled. So let's look at 'em in order...

Smallville: Clark actually summed it up at one point by saying (and I'm paraphrasing) "I'm clinging to a past that never really existed." Couldn't be truer – for every step toward Clark's super future, they'd take several back into the land of "meteor freak of the week." But kicked to the curb in last week's opener were Lex, who we won't see moping around his mansion endlessly swirling his sifter of brandy and Lana, who'll stop getting thinner and shriller as she abandons running some sort of shadow government something and instead opts for guest star status. In place we've got the Junior Justice League (Green Arrow, Aquaman and Black Canary) as series regulars.

Supernatural: For a show that looked like an abject disaster (two hunky brothers take on a buncha demons), it's turned out to be terrific. In last season's finale, the elder brother Dean got dragged down to hell by the proverbial hounds. Unsurprisingly he rises in the opener (lead actors don't stay dead for long) but it's a tease toward a much larger story – turns out he wasn't summoned by a demon, but ripped out of hell by an angel... because God's got work for him to do. It's impressive – Supernatural keeps exceeding expectations, and this latest story setup is no exception.

So Supernatural's heavenly and things are looking up in Smallville – Clark may just be super, man. Seems like a decent jumping-on point for Small and Super's worth catching up on. Enjoy.

The Last Two Words on SNL I'll Prolly Ever Write

2008-09-15T14:04:00.003-05:00

Sink and Swim

The NeXt-Files

2008-09-10T09:38:00.037-05:00

Hollywood goes back to the well pretty often, and the results are often pretty, well, bad. The new Knight Rider is a waste of time, people are up in arms about the upcoming take on Life on Mars and the jury's out on the 90210 reboot. So while Fringe comes with a pretty solid pedigree (created by J.J. Abrams of Lost, Alias and Felicity fame), it also carries the baggage of looking like nothing more than an X-Files update. But in a world where even The X-Files can't update itself successfully, that might not be so bad.

And fortunately, it's pretty damn good. Fringe wears its inspirations proudly on its sleeve, but also with its tongue slightly in its cheek. There are similarities to a Mulder/Scully relationship with the two leads, but this time she's the believer and he's the skeptic. And the show launches with echoes of a Lost-like airplane disaster, but with notably different twists. So it ends up being much less of an X-Files clone and much more of a spiritual successor.

The plot (so far – it's pretty clear that we're going to encounter layers and layers of story) concerns a female FBI agent named Dunham who stumbles across a case that the CDC can't handle – victim's skins are crystallizing, turning translucent as they die. When the symptoms start to hit closer to home, she turns to the lone expert in what's called "fringe science," i.e. stuff that seems almost supernatural but has some foundation in reality. Unfortunately, that lone expert – Walter Bishop – has been in an asylum for decades, and only accessible to next of kin. Enter Pacey from Dawson's Creek, playing Bishop's son Peter, a high-school drop-out with an incredibly high IQ... and gambling debt. They team up to delve into the fallout from Bishop's 1970s-era experiments to uncover "the pattern," a series of unexplainable phenomena that seem to be connected to a mysterious corporation called Massive Dynamic.

Whew.

So yes, it's fairly X-Files and yes, it's a lot to swallow, but so far it's pretty tasty. Dunham and Bishop cook up solid chemistry, the scientific oddities they're encountering are interesting and it's shot with style – including the oddly entertaining touch of Panic Room-style supers that seem to actually cast shadows on the scene they're explaining. Hopefully Abrams and co. can learn from the shows they're following and avoid drowning in overly intricate backstory – based on Lost, I'd say they've got a leg up. We'll have to see where it goes, but based on this pilot I'm ready to follow. If you missed last night's premiere, it encores on Sunday night – give it a watch.

Super Bad

2008-09-08T07:11:00.017-05:00

Like most red-blooded Chicagoans, I opted to watch the Bears stun Indianapolis (if not the world) last night instead of the 2008 MTV VMAs. From the looks of it, Superbad is the greatest movie of all time and what tha kidz are still txting about constantly, as two "highlights" of the show were a sketch starring Jonah Hill and a surprise appearance by McLovin. Unfortunately, "super bad" is a more apt description of the show overall... however, I did fast-forward thru it this morning for your reviewing pleasure, so here are some random reactions from when I shifted from FF to Play on my remote:

The much-ballyhooed opening by Britney Spears consisted of a staggeringly unfunny bit where the star from Superbad purported to be calming her nerves, but was instead trying to kiss her. Several times. Yes, she's gotten herself back into shape and looks great. Move on. And then we tracked her from the dressing room to the stage, where she kicked off the show by saying (I'm paraphrasing here) "Welcome to the show – it starts now." Uh, thanks.

Russell Brand is, well, not funny. It's kind of typical of these "rock & roll" comedians like him, Andrew Dice Clay, etc... despite all the leather and hairspray, it's still a guy with a mic telling hideous dick jokes.

Demi Moore forgot her microphone and I've forgotten why she's even here.

Michael Phelps is really really gonna bomb when he hosts SNL. The Greatest Swimmer Ever looks uncomfortable doing, well, anything else.

Katy Perry's overhyped performance of "Like a Virgin" turns out to be a 30-second bumper to a commercial. Huh.

Staging the show in the Paramount lot does provide from some cinematic entrances but mostly feels like a cost-cutting measure by MTV/Paramount corporate overlord Viacom.

Looks like Pink's nipples are, in fact, pink.

I guess Christina Aguilera really really wants to be Catwoman in the next Dark Knight movie. Or at least Black Cat in the next Spider-Man.

Britney Spears wins everything – either she had an incredibly great year that I completely missed, or MTV just really really needs her not to be a joke anymore. Unlike, you know, this show.

Peach Pit After Dark

2008-09-03T00:14:00.044-05:00

Not only was the premiere of the new 90210 delayed until "a special time" because of a ballgame, the Cubs waited until the 11th to lose. So given that the show didn't start until after midnight, I'm gonna blog during the ad breaks in an effort to stay awake. SPOILERS ahoy!

Initial thoughts based on the pre-credits intro:

The Brandon and Brenda characters are really annoying. One's over-the-top surly and one's over-the-top peppy. I mean, really annoying.
I'd heard they'd be trying to out-Gossip the Girls from the East Coast, but I didn't quite expect it to feature a 9021-0ral scene before the credits rolled.

After the "rockin" update to the classic song:

Hey look – It's the mom from Arrested Development! And she's drunk! Could be fun.
Hey look – Andrea and Jesse's kid is the broadcaster for the campus news station! Decent joke about her looking 30.
Hey look – apparently Kelly and the guy who showed up on Melrose Place eventually dated! When she was 10 or something? Huh? And now Kelly's little sister is back at West Bev, and she's cool because she likes some local band and that's how she bonds with the Brenda girl, whose name I can't remember yet.
Hey look – Nat still works at the Peach Pit, but he can't work an espresso machine! Even tho he's had over a decade to learn!

Back from the break:

Kelly's sister, who's known as "Silver," runs a bitchy blog and attacks the Brenda girl with it. OMFG she got so Facebooked!
Lots of talk about lacrosse – along the "hey, the adopted black kid from Wichita's got some moves" and "hey, let's start a fight with the black kid so he gets kicked off the team because, you know, he's black!" lines.
Arrested Development Mom again – still drunk! Making jokes about cracking eggs on her ass!
Side note: so far, all the girls are perilously close to exhibiting Tori Spelling disease, where they're so thin that they look like unbalanced lollipops.
The Brenda girl, who's been overacting her way thru the show, has now been cast in the school play, so she can really start chewing some scenery. Which she does by the mouthful. Huge, shouty mouthfuls. Oh dear.

Getting a little tired:

Boy, couldn't see this plagarism plot coming... particularly with the "I wrote a paper just like the one that you're blowing off to go party at clubs like so many fifteen year-olds do" foreshadowing. More like fiveshadowing.
Just realized that Silver is the girl who played the Daughter of Darkness on Reaper. Was better as the Spawn of Satan.

So where the hell is Brenda?:

The omnipresent ads for the show "Privileged" look better than this one.
Apparently the Brenda girl is named "Annie." Still can't remember the brother's name.
Oh, and the girl that she outsung in the play is a druggie. How LA!
And she broke up with her boyfriend from back in Wichita. I guess his name was Jason. She's sad, altho I can't imagine why, since... we never met him and only just learned his name.

On to Part II of the pilot:

Full House girl is taking the news that Silk Stalkings guy husband fathered a son with his high school girlfriend pretty well – wonder how she'll hold up when she finds out that (I think) Kelly adopted him. Stay tuned for sweeps!
Annie hasn't stopped overacting from the pilot. Warning signs that she may not be able to stop for the whole season.
The rival lacrosse team has trashed the hallowed halls of West Beverly! Are our boyz gonna get them back? Tough to care because, well, it's about lacrosse.

During the break:

The "live" check-ins from the launch party don't do viewers any favors. It's like walking a red carpet with an EPK.

These breaks are getting harder to sit thru, particularly when you come back to this:

While the show hasn't shied away from branded integration (I think I need some Aquacurrent science – it's putting moisture where I need it!), they clearly couldn't land a videogame partner, as they just showed the worst fake on-screen gaming action in the history of fake on-screen gaming action.

Ok, maybe the breaks aren't so bad:

As the extended trailer for Confessions of a Shopaholic looks pretty good for the Devil Wears Prada crowd.
Oooh, we're back. And the scruffy cool teacher just botched his chance at asking out Kelly by referring to her son as "baggage." Oh, and the baggage is four and a half, so I guess he can't be Melrose Place's kid.
It's Brenda! The actual Brenda! Who updates us on Brandon – apparently he's in Belize, still loves Megaburgers... and Kelly. Whuh? At this point, I'm really just wishing that they made a show about the original 90210 kids all growns up as opposed to this Superman Returnsish reboot/remake. The only plot point I gave half a damn about was Scruffy McTeachy giving Kelly flowers and a cap at the end of the show.

And I think that's the problem. Right now the cameos from fan faves are sorta fun and the rest of it's sorta... not. It may get better – the Gossip Girl pilot was pretty damn bad, and that's turned out to be tons of fun. It passed the Pilot Test in the sense that I stuck with the second episode since it was attached to the first. And I was invested enough in the original show to give this one a bit of a go, but right now it's a little bit of 9021uh-0.

Shark Tale

2008-09-01T23:01:00.010-05:00

It's prolly too early to tell for sure, but Prison Break may just have jumped back on the proverbial mammal and ridden it to respectability. A quick recap – the first season was terrific, the second was surprisingly fun, and the third was a complete mess. Instead of smart spins on classics like Shawkshank or the Fugitive, a handful of the escapees got sent to some bizarro world version of a Panamanian prison called Sona and they rutted around in the mud trying to cobble together a plot amidst the writer's strike. About as entertaining as it sounds.

But it looks like Michael Scofield and the boys are back on track, as the show has been retrofitted into a "Prison's Seven" of sorts, as the characters you care about are sent on a videogame fetch quest to find the pieces of The Company's little black book in order to take them down. Speaking of characters you care about, Sara Tancredi is back from the dead (and a contract dispute) and Whistler, a con from Season 3 whose motivation, backstory or, you know, point, was never explained took a bullet pretty quickly after the credits rolled. And the entire Sona section of the saga was dismissed by mentioning that "it burned to the ground" during a phone call. Works for me.

Now, let me be clear about some stuff – the show strains credibility constantly... and that's being kind. The Feds turning to "Scofield's Seven" as their last best hope is (phrased kindly) unlikley. Watching T-Bag trek his way across the border, turning to cannibalism in the process, was a bit bizarre. The shadowy Company's goals are, well, absent, aside from "being evil." All that said, they've culled the cast to the main players and seem to be showing the ingenuity that made the show a hit in the first place. I'm in.

Not Much of America's Got Talent

2008-08-27T19:08:00.024-05:00

"The biggest talent show in the world" is into the live performance shows, which is both good and bad. Fortunately, the producers have scaled up people's acts to fit a Vegas-type stage... unfortunately, many of them don't deserve to be there. Like, say, the first five acts that got cut tonight.

To recap, the first act cut was Ronnie B, who demonstrated a minor bit of weird "wacky foreigner" charm in the auditions, but showed his true colors as a sub-William Hung embarrassment last night. Next to pack his bags was a magician named Shimshi, who chose, strangely, to downgrade his act from sawing a woman into several parts to a card trick-slash-backflip. And toodle-oo to the DC Cowboys, an posse of middle-aged gay cowboy dancers. America then opted for brilliant tenor Neal E. Boyd as opposed to a Derrick Barry, a cross-dressing Britney Spears impersonator. And then host Jerry Springer manufactured some faux tension by having each judge name who they wanted to go on: The James Gang, an interesting if occasionally underwhelming blend of hip-hop and vaudeville or Elite , a little girl who dresses her dad and his friends up as pirates and pretends to beat them up. Tough call, huh?

Surviving until next week (in addition to Boyd and the James Gang) were Jessica Price, a sweet countryish girl who'd prolly be a better fit for American Idol, Extreme Dance FX, an unfortunately titled troupe who perform about as poorly as their name, and The Cadence, a Blue Man-type drum act that isn't, well, blue.

Now, to break down the rest of the "talent:"

Beyond Belief proved that being the twenty-one best dancers in Mesquite, TX doesn't amount to much in, you know, the real world
Paul Solas knocked out his version of "My Way," which was tremendously endearing and won over the judges, altho I think he's a better raconteur than singer
Brutally bad Kazual demonstrated why no one's particularly interested Boyz II Men type groups anymore
Next was Zooperstars!, a bizarre band of inflatable mascots that have a strangely engaging charm, if not a ton of actual talent
Mini-von Trapp family castoffs The Wright Kids abandoned their bluegrass roots to cute their way through a nightmarishly psychedelic rendition of Daydream Believer
One-joke loser Jonathon Arons performed his "I'm a dork with a trombone that tries to drop some sexy dance moves on ya'll" act, much to the delight (inexplicably) of the judges
Iraq War veteran Daniel Jens soldiered on (sorry, couldn't resist) put away his uniform to bring out his version of "Every Breathe You Take," which proved that without the war story, he's unfortunately an ok bar singer... at best
The Slippery Kittens performed a Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B burlesque, apparently in an effort to officially retire the term "milf"
George the Giant, who had primarily carved out a niche as a seven-foot version of Jackass, bored the judges (and I'd wager the national audience) with schtick about escaping from a straight jacket while being mistaken for a pinata by a bunch of annoying kids and their schoolmarm
Queen Emily closed the show by rearing back and belting an Aretha Franklin-style inspirational; good stuff, altho I'm less impressed than the judges

So. After the first half of the top forty have taken the stage, nothing's changed since the first time I've watched the show – at this point, it's Boyd's competition to lose. Stay tuned to see if anyone can topple this tenor. Or, you know – don't... I'll take care of it for you ;)

Best. Ads. Ever?

2008-08-25T14:36:00.008-05:00

OMFG! I spose the VWs, Nikes and Absoluts of the world might say otherwise, but I'll give the CW this: they know what to do when reviewers give them lemons. Make lemonade... sweet, hot, sexy lemonade. And pour it all over some nearly naked twentysomethings.

Season 1's out on DVD and Season 2 starts next week. Tune in and turn on.

xoxo,
geo

Yes. Yes, I do.

2008-08-21T13:16:00.001-05:00

Who Watches the Watchmen?

2008-08-12T19:37:00.011-05:00

iTunes users, apparently. The landmark comic series has debuted as what Warner Bros. calls a "Motion Comic," meaning they've brought the story to life with animated art and voiceover narration. Is it worth a read... er, watch?

Contrary to popular opinion, I'm gonna say yes. In short, Watchmen is a superhero deconstruction set in an alternate 1985 where costumed crimefighters have been outlawed... and potentially targeted for murder. Oh, and it's also a staggering piece of visionary brilliance.

The motion comic's animation isn't extravagant – don't expect The Incredibles here – but for a generation comfortable with blurry YouTube clips and Flash webcomics, it makes the material fairly approachable. More is accomplished playing with pans and different depths of field than I imagined. The narration is a little less successful – I didn't realize it was a single actor until I heard him read as the first female character... or attempt to. And at some point, all these characters will be burned into our brain with the faces and voices of the upcoming film.

But until then, watching it chapter-by-chapter on your iPod isn't a bad way to go. Purists will claim that the only way to experience Watchmen is to turn the printed pages, but for those unlikely to venture into the corner comic shop, this makes for a decent download. Overall, it's nice to see the medium treated with respect, and frankly, if well-intentioned efforts turn new audiences on to comic classics, I'm all for it.

If you have $300 million lying around...

2008-08-09T07:59:00.023-05:00

...you could buy this:

The Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Games

Pretty impressive, as these things go, particularly the scale and precision. Opening ceremonies are traditionally an explosion of symbolism and confusion, but the messages of this spectacular was fairly clear: China's a much more open society than, well, it's acted like it is, we can coordinate armies of people with a snap of our fingers, and we've got more money than you could possibly imagine. While the show did feature some slight head-shakers (like a parade of adorable children presenting the Chinese and Olympic flags to... stern goose-stepping soldiers) overall the performers used a novel combination of digital technology (a 500-foot LED screen) and traditional discipline (2008 dancers forming and re-forming perfect circles in unison) to highlight China's cultural contributions through history. In case you missed it, a quick recap:

2008 drummers that coordinated light patterns with every strike

Traditional costumes presented on a mass scale

A rippling ocean simulated with incredible precision

Snow ninjas and, um, glowing frogmen

Spectacular Cirque du Soleil-style displays and China's famous fireworks

Bob Costas and Matt Lauer provided the commentary, along with their Chinese analyst, Joshua Cooper Ramo. Lauer talked a great deal about the scrim that surrounds the entire stadium; in this ceremony, it was used to project supporting images on – in the future, one imagines it'll support advertising for the Chinese soccer team. Costas kept upping the ante of bombastic praise, finishing with something like "for Opening Cermonies competition, you can now close the book!" Guess Muhammed Ali and this guy can go screw, huh? And Ramo skirted China's brutal human rights record and other controversial issues, urging everyone to focus on the future... or at least the impressive dancers. One odd note they all kept repeating was the fact that all the formations featured 2008 performers, as testimony to the host country's huge population. Yes, China's got a lot of people – but it's not like Vancouver's gonna be unable to scrounge up 2010 dancers for the opening of the Winter Games in a couple years. Overall, tho, good show. Now bring on the underage gymnasts!

Mad Meh

2008-07-31T19:37:00.007-05:00

I tried, I really tried. Not only to like this show, but to avoid another "meh." But if the penny loafer fits...

Anyway, I tuned in for the series premiere last year and it didn't take. As the episodes kept piling up on my DVR, I decided to abandon the Mad Men of Stirling Cooper to their drinks and smokes – until the raves also kept piling up and I figured it was worth another go. About halfway thru the first season on DVD... still not so much.

There's no soul. And perhaps I'm missing some meta metaphor buried deep within the boredom, but nothing makes me want to keep watching. The characters, particularly the lead mystery man Don Draper, are so detached and clinical that I can't find a reason to care about what happens to them. Or their relationships. Or their drinks and smokes. Once one gets over the Madison Avenue atmosphere, which I'll grant is skillfully executed, what else is there? Awkward pauses and long songs that fade to the closing credits. Pass.

Better Late Than... (Batman For)ever

2008-07-29T22:27:00.010-05:00

Ok, here's the thing – I was out of town when The Dark Knight came out, so I saw it late. Adding my voice to the chorus of cheers for this magnificent movie isn't going to sound much different. I agree with the other three hundred million people – it's breathtaking piece of malevolent brilliance. Yes, Heath Ledger should be in the running for an Oscar and yes, it could be a legit contender for Best Picture. It's that good – not just a great superhero movie, but a superior movie overall.

That said, I do want to highlight what I found perhaps most impressive – that after a staggeringly well-executed viral campaign, the marketing team saved their biggest surprise for last...

The third act.

So often, watching a trailer is a 90 second version of a 90 minute movie – plot and all. Watching the movie feels like sitting thru a particularly labored director's cut. Not so with Dark Knight. At about the hour and forty minute mark, a major chase scene began to seem more and more climactic. Eminently happy with the movie so far, I settled in for what looked to be a bang-up ending.

Not so – The Joker's got an ace or two up his sleeve, and the last hour manages to stand up and separate itself from what's already a spectacular film. It's a gut-wrenchingly tense thrill ride... that I hadn't seen in the previews. The decision to not splash every moment on every screen across the globe was a welcome one – and must be adding to the incredible word of mouth that's helping the movie destroy Hollywood's record grosses.

Obviously the most credit must go to the filmmakers, but in this day and age, watching a marketing masterpiece is a rare treat. Well done.

Freeways & Fairways

2008-07-29T13:37:00.003-05:00

If you've ever watched The Amazing Race and thought it'd be better if the contestants were carrying golf clubs instead of backpacks, or if you've ever watched golf and thought it'd be better if the players drove the carts into each other at breakneck speeds... I have the show for you. They call it Highway 18, as apparently The Amazing Golf Cart Race was taken.

It lifts Race's formula almost exactly, except instead of having to zipline across a pool of lions riding sharks or whatever, these mismatched teams of two face increasingly difficult tasks on the links. Many of which involve playing as fast as they can, always a smart strategy for the sport ;) The teams include a father who allows his smartass son to call him by his first name and relentlessly berate him, two good ol' boys whose last name might as well be Duke, squabbling siblings, a 40 year old financial analyst and a trophy/token African-American girl that claim they have a "special friendship," and the requisite hot blondes. The host's qualifications appear to be that she was a two-time Miss Oregon contestant.

And yet, it works. The shift from driving challenges to driving the green challenges can be a little jarring, but it's a fun spin on a solid formula. Overall it feels a little like the first season of Top Chef – when Billy Joel's trophy wife was hosting instead of Padma. It's little rough around the edges, not quite figured out, but a decent idea. One suggestion – when people finish last but are spared from elimination by being given a "strike" against them... make it a mulligan. Like, you know, in golf?

Batmanimeh

2008-07-22T14:05:00.009-05:00

Yeah, I use the "meh" joke a lot. Unfortunately, there's a lot of "meh" stuff out there, and the latest Batman animated movie, Gotham Knight, sadly earns that distinction as well. Even with top creators from the comic and anime worlds all under the watchful eye of Bruce Timm, the genius who basically defined the animated DC universe, this discourse on the Dark Knight never adds up to much.

What's wrong? Part of it's the format (six unconnected short stories), part of it's the promise (supposedly bridging the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) and a lot of the problems fall on the style. Most of what's on screen just looks and sounds wrong, particularly for something that's supposed to fit in with the movies. Aside from a few token references ("the Narrows," the Scarecrow) this version of Gotham would fit right in with Neo-Tokyo. Or the Sprawl. Or Tim Burton's backyard. And these interpretations of both Bruce Wayne and Batman don't mesh with the movies either – instead of being grounded in reality like Christian Bale, this Gotham Knight is bulletproof, fireproof, and apparently logicproof, as the shorts are typical anime fare – all flair and flash without much substance. Even Kevin Conroy, the voice of Batman for several series, feels off when his voice is coming out of this...

...or this...

...or, unfortunately, this:

Overall, some of the shorts fare better than the others, but you're better off seeing the big screen Batman instead. Pass.

Hancocked and Overloaded

2008-07-03T12:06:00.006-05:00

Wow, this is a weird one – it's both better and worse than I thought it'd be. Deconstructing superheroes has been happening in comics for a few decades, but it's relatively new to the silver screen. Can Hancock stand up with pioneers like Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns or new classics like Astro City or Alias?

Um, no. There are interesting ideas and a promising presence, but a misguided twist and muddled mythos make this movie kind of a mess. Overall a watchable one, but certainly not a complete success. Will Smith plays Hancock – an apathetic, alcoholic superhero with a penchant for doing more harm than good, at least financially. On one of his early escapades, he saves a struggling PR exec (Jason Bateman, channeling kind of a combo of his dad roles from both Arrested Development and Juno) who decides to help rehabilitate the hated hero.

Smart concept, but after the initially fun scenes of Hancock's destructive heroics, the way it plays out drifts toward dumb. Faced with a series of summons and debt mounting in the millions, Hancock takes responsibility for his actions by agreeing to incarceration. It's part of the PR plan – prove to the public that he's willing to change and wait for them to need a hero again. And it works, as he answers the call a kindler, gentler (if somewhat more awkward) spin on Superman... until about the middle of the movie.

I'll avoid spoilers, but suffice to say that both Hancock's origin story and rogues gallery are weak at best. At worst, they make little to no sense and seem crammed in from an earlier treatment. At just over an hour and a half, the flick's sailing along at a nice little clip, takes a bizarre left turn that plays havoc with the plotting and pacing – and never truly recovers. It's a jarring shift in tone and storytelling that left me staring at the screen, wondering if I fell asleep and missed some crucial scene. There are a couple nice moments that wrap up the movie, but they don't hold up to more than a second's thought. Maybe a half second.

So what starts as a smartass satire of sorts turns into a fairly bizarre headscratcher. I mentioned it's better and worse than I thought – it doesn't deserve the blisteringly bad reviews it's getting, but it almost runs completely off the rails in ways you weren't envisioning. Is it worth seeing? I'll give it a light yes. Will Smith's good, Jason Bateman's funny and Charlize Theron is... um... hot. But you can prolly wait 'til DVD, particularly if you're not crazy about shakycam. Director Peter Berg takes his style from Friday Night Lights and overplays his handheld visuals a tad – so combine that with a sorta hit-and-miss movie and it might be more of a Netflixer.

Wanted dead or... well, pretty much just dead

2008-06-30T13:12:00.007-05:00

Ok. If you're one of those "Wesley was blond in the comic so the second they cast James McAvoy I McAvowed not to see the movie" people, or of you're one of those "I'm actually not that fascinated by slo-mo shots of personalized bullets customized with witty messages exploding out of foreheads" people, this is not the movie for you.

Anyone else, get ready for a revenge tale with a heaping helping of gun porn. Wanted is based on a nihilistic supervillain comic (I could get all fanboy on you and say that it's "inspired by," as they lost the superhero angle entirely, but hey – the creator doesn't seem to have a problem with it; why should I?) about a cubicle-bound drone who's snapped out of his wage slave existence by learning that he isn't, in fact, an Account Service Manager... he's the son of the greatest assassin who ever lived. Oh, and that, with some training that primarily consists of getting beaten up, knifed and shooting pigs he has the ability to move super-fast, curve bullets and absorb an astonishing amount of pain.

Sounds fun, huh? Surprisingly, it is. While the movie diverges from the source material fairly seriously, it retains the WTF-like attitude that propels the audience through a series of increasingly impressive action set pieces. It's a little difficult to decide who to root for, as while Wesley's the protagonist, it's hard to call him a hero, but pretty early on you'll have seen cars flip over each other to land on and accelerate off buses, bullets crash into each other and dent in mid-air (on purpose!) and Angelina Jolie climb naked out of a healing bath of translucent wax, so it's also a little difficult to complain.

It's far from perfect – somewhat uneven, halfheartedly satirical and admittedly illogical, but it's by and large a blast. This isn't one to analyze to death, it's just one to check your head and enjoy... to death.

Maybe not Incredible...

2008-06-20T11:19:00.013-05:00

...but far from terrible. The Incredible Hulk, the announcement of which most people reacted to with an Incredible Huh? turns out to be pretty good. It's still sort of minor summer entertainment – one of those flicks you can't remember much about as you're walking out – but it's a huge improvement over the Ang Lee-led disaster that almost killed the franchise.

First, it starts off strong – the Hulk's (retconned) creation is told in quick flashes during the opening credits, proving my theory that you don't need a whole movie of origin story when people know the characters. Second, Ed Norton Hulks out pretty quick and the movie's off to the races. There's still a bunch of Jekyll and Hyde haranguing and it's not exactly the deepest story (short version: Hulk meets and tries to beat a bigger, uglier Hulk) but if you're looking to watch a big rubbery CGI monster beat the hell out of a bigger somewhat less rubbery CGI monster, this delivers.

And Hulk looks about as good as he's going to, I think. In one of his many misfires, earlier director Ang Lee strapped on the mo-cap suit and performed the Hulk's movements, turning him into a prancing, mincing green jelly bean. Here he comes across as an out-of-control feral force of nature, which works much better. I spose one could sit thru the whole film pointing out that he looks kinda fakey, but at that point one's made up their mind to not enjoy the movie. This all-CGI Hulk holds up far better than, say, Michael Chiklis in The Thing suit, so I'll take it.

In terms of the cast, it's generally solid. Ed Norton is a significant upgrade from Eric Banna – he manages the internal angst of Bruce Banner without completely drowning the character. Liv Tyler's fine in a pretty thankless role and Tim Roth is a bit overeager as the main enemy Blonsky. William Hurt isn't great as the age-old trope of the General who doesn't care about anything except creating weapons, but he doesn't derail the film. There's one great cameo and a couple tired ones (Marvel Comics movies are no longer a novelty – can't we be done with Stan Lee?) and a pretty whiz-bang ending that sets up a sequel or Avengers movie pretty nicely.

Overall, it's a pleasant surprise, albeit a huge green angry one. Worth a watch.

Dunno about America, but this guy's Got Talent

2008-06-18T09:53:00.004-05:00

Tuned into America's Got Talent last night, a show I'd always dismissed as a garish freakshow, perhaps because the combo of Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, David Hasselhoff and Jerry Springer doesn't exactly scream "Talent!" to me.

And for much of the evening, I thought I was right. Sure, there was a cute four-year old singer and a nice moment with a male baton twirler, but overall nothing that made me consider the show any more than vaguely harmless summer filler. Until Neal E. Boyd, an insurance salesman from a lower-class background took the stage and absolutely blew everyone away. Take a watch – I got chills.

If this guy doesn't win, this show doesn't deserve to be on. Whether it holds up for a whole season is yet to be seen, but I'll tune in weekly to watch Boyd sing. You should too.

I doubt it'll be like this...

2008-06-12T10:36:00.004-05:00

...mostly because Kal Penn isn't invited. Anyway, I'm off to Sin City for the weekend. I'd promise to post tales of debauchery and such, but as they say:

(yeah, that's not happening either ;)

One of the best movies you've prolly never seen

2008-06-11T15:47:00.001-05:00

It's like Pulp Fiction meets Scream.
Netflix it now.

Tenacious P

2008-06-08T21:18:00.006-05:00

In this weekend's smash hit, Jack Black basically plays himself in a CGI panda suit. It's not a timeless classic, but certainly a ton of fun. Detailing the plot for you would be pointless (short version: Unlikely Hero Saves Village); the film succeeds as an incredible animation showcase and a forum for Black's scattershot humor.

While DreamWorks' stuff always has a different edge than Pixar's, it's a terrific looking flick. It's packed with action (you can see the individual hairs of fur during the dramatic slo-mo shots in the fights) and the characters (including Dustin Hoffman, David Cross, Angelina Jolie and more) are incredibly animated. Black's the clear star of show, as the entire film is built around him vamping a bunch of kung fu humor.

Plus, it's appealing for parents without resorting to lazy parody (like much of Shrek) or being smarmy (like the rest of Shrek). It's light and breezy, the kung fu is fun, and the kids'll love it. Enjoy.

Lockebox

2008-05-30T11:42:00.002-05:00

Excuse the Al Gore reference, but how many more chances will we get to make those? Regardless, incredible close to a spectacular season of Lost last night. Less of a complete mindblower than last year's, but prolly more emotionally rewarding. Can. Not. Wait. 'Til. 09.

Three Words

2008-05-22T13:45:00.007-05:00

Watch .

This.

Show.

Sometimes...

2008-05-21T22:44:00.004-05:00

...despite your worst fears, they get it right. At least I did ;) Kudos to Idol for crowning the rocker who was far beyond the competition. And, um, boo-dos (I guess) to Idol for running far beyond their two hours. When your whole year boils down to a few seconds, the producers should trade one of the tiresome medleys to get those few seconds in during the, you know, show. But enough bitching – tonight all is right in America... n Idol.

Overcooked

2008-05-21T11:11:00.005-05:00

It doesn't quite move me to tears, but I am loathe to admit that I think David Archuleta's prolly gonna beat David Cook last night. I spose Daughtry proved that it doesn't matter much if the rocker wins, but watching Little David awkwardly shift back and forth on stage under the guise of "performance" still sorta makes my skin crawl.

As Idol finales goes, this one was typically overblown, even for a performance show. Atypically, tho, it appears that Rupert Murdoch must have recently bought professional boxing (perhaps to rename it "FOXing"?) because Fox pulled out every boxing cliche and pummeled us in the face with them. We got Michael Buffer doing his "let's get ready to Idol!" schtick. Side note: hey, Michael Buffer – let's get ready to... go away. The bloom's been off your rose ever since I saw you do the white-man's-overbite dance with your trophy wife/girlfriend at the B-List Godzilla premiere party ten years ago.

Anyway, back to the bout – in addition to Buffer, we got the Dueling Davids dressed in robes and gloves for their introductions. We got Jim Lampley barking boxing analysis at the beginning of each round. And if you're like me, we got tired of it pretty quickly. Particularly by the time Simon crowned the night a "knockout" for Archuleta.

Oh, and as Randy reminded us several times, the show took place in the new Nokia theatre at LA Live! Apparently the Davids were competing to be the King of the Nokia. And that they rocked the Nokia. And, oddly enough, that this is THE duel of 2007! I suppose he was looking to the past because they're getting ready to crown a mini version of Clay Aiken – Archuleta was "better" last night, in the sense that he nailed his treacly ballads. Clive Davis gave him a classic, the songwriter winner was in his wheelhouse, and his take on "Imagine" is pretty moving. Cook, however, started pretty strong with the U2 song, did the best he could with his songwriter winner, and then dug his own grave with a boring Collective Soul song that never took off. If he'd done a full length version of Always Be My Baby, I'd be writing a different post right now.

So the former Claymates can celebrate Little David's win by rechristening themselves "Archuladies" and Big David can become the next Daughtry. I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is that songwriter contest. Lose it – or at the very least, don't saddle the finalists with having to perform them. "Dream Big" was a forgettable piece of power pop, and Archuleta basically did a rehash of Kelly Clarkson's "Moment Like This." It's a bad idea executed poorly, and it leaves a gaping good-song-sized hole in the middle of the show. Let's fast-forward thru tonight's results and then fast-forward to next year's excruciating auditions.

902Idunn0

2008-05-20T09:48:00.006-05:00

Whether it'll be worth the watch is hard to say from this EPK, but I'm cautiously the 90210 reboot. While it's a fairly obvious attempt to reclaim the throne that Gossip Girl inherited from The O.C. (which inherited it from Felicity which inherited it from Dawson's Creek which inherited it from Party of Five which inherited it from... 90210), it comes from good stock. Rob Thomas (Veronica Mars showrunner, not the Matchbox 20 guy) created it, and at the very least, it'll be amusing to see Jennie Garth (and rumored Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering) step back into the roles that created them.

And while this piece makes it feel a little more One Tree Hill than The Hills, the new showrunners (Jeff Judah and Gabe Sachs) have Freaks & Geeks and Life As We Know It experience and have re-written the pilot. So we'll have to wait and see whether this version of Donna Martin graduates with honors.

Sayonara Syesha

2008-05-14T10:48:00.002-05:00

You never know, but I think it's her time to go. David Archuleta's got the former Claymate vote sewn up, David Cook's got the people who actually like good music vote sewn up, and that leaves Syesha sitting alone. On a chair. She'll prolly have a career, tho – just on a different stage. She's got some flair for Broadway, has a fine voice and acting experience... she just wouldn't sell albums.

Overall, it was an off night – kind of limping toward the finals. Frankly, everyone seemed exhausted – perhaps it was the process of cutting down, re-arranging, learning and performing three songs. Not sure why the shows are so truncated at this point – Idol drags us thru two hours of excruciating auditions several times a week; why not go to 90 minutes so the performances can be longer than 90 seconds?

No, Speed Racer, No

2008-05-12T09:57:00.017-05:00

It's like Akira meets Blade Runner meets Carmaggedon meets Dragon Ball Z meets Every Which Way But Loose meets Fifth Element meets Gran Prix meets Herbie meets Indy 500 meets J-pop meets K-pop meets Lone Wolf and Cub meets Matrix meets Nascar meets Otaku meets Pole Position meets Road Warrior meets Sesame Street meets Tokyo Drift meets Ultron meets Videodrome meets WipeOut meets X:1999 meets Yakuza meets Zoom... all tossed into a digital blender and tossed up on the big screen for your viewing enjoyment.

Or lack thereof.

After breaking in with Bound, breaking thru with The Matrix, breaking down with the Matrix sequels and breaking out with V for Vendetta, The Wachowski Brothers break off more than they can chew with Speed Racer. Much was made of how they'd bring their signature visual style to the screen, but what it ends up meaning is an exercise in hyper-kinetic over-editing. The much-ballyhooed race sequences featuring auto fight scenes called "car fu" are almost impossible to follow, given that all the cars look alike, none of them are on-screen for more than a split-second, they rarely stay on the ground and we're given little to no idea where they are – on the track or in comparison to each other.

And that's only a small fraction of this two-hour-and-fifteen-minute ordeal; the rest consists of pedantic plots and amateurish acting that details a laborious screed against corporate culture set against life lessons like "be true to yourself," "family is good" and "everybody loves monkeys and/or smartass fat children."

Unless you're a completist that can't resist or have wet dreams of cargasms, do yourself a favor and pass on Speed Racer.

Iron Chic

2008-05-02T10:52:00.010-05:00

The suit looked good, the cast looked great, the director looked solid... and yet I still kept expectations fairly low for Iron Man. In addition to this hero being a bit B-list, comic book movies in general are tougher to pull off than they seem. You've got to manage fanboy desires while making mainstream entertainment, tell a complete tale while setting up a sequel and deliver spectacular special effects without creating a CGI cartoon. So how does Iron Man hold up?

Why, with his proprietary repulsor ray technology, of course! Oh, and the movie? Fan. Effing. Tastic.

Iron Man starts this superhero season with a supersonic bang. It's directed and performed with unabashed joy and a witty sense of style. Robert Downey, Jr. is a perfect Tony Stark – brash and cocky, but absolutely believable. His repartee with Gwyneth Paltrow as is (sorta) better half Pepper Potts is fresh and fun. Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges elevate what could be fairly stock characters into actually interesting roles. And Jon Favreau holds it all together, directing would could have been an 800-pound iron gorilla with a deft hand and comic touch.

Special credit also goes to the writers (a committee of Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby, Art Marcum and Matt Holloway) for creating an adventure that's truly fun and funny without sacrificing story for slapstick comedy. The laughs in the film (and there are many) are genuine – derived from character moments instead of pop culture references. And the plot, while not exactly breaking new ground, is tight and free from overcomplications that often burden comic book flicks.

Is it perfect? No – it errs a bit on the origin story side (I longed for one more act where the stakes get raised even higher), but that's unfortunately expected for a franchise-starter. And it could prolly use one more go-for-broke action sequence, tho what's in there is spectacular. But those are about the only nits I found to pick – overall it's a much-needed shot in the arm for the genre and a great start to the summer. It's not only well worth a watch, I'm anxious for a rewatch. Go. Enjoy.

Rolling Review Part I

2008-04-30T14:33:00.004-05:00

As I'm assuming you've heard, GTAIV came out yesterday. I picked it up and toyed with it a bit, but given that there's upwards of 50+ hours of gameplay (with some estimates in the hundreds) I'm not going to wait to finish the game before reviewing it, else you'd be waiting months. Instead I'll give impressions as I get them, beginning with...

This is the first GTA game I've played. I've been well aware of it for a while, but never played before because I never felt a burning desire to virtually beat up a digital hooker. Plus, the earlier iterations had legendarily iffy graphics, due to the amount of processing power devoted to making a "sandbox" city that characters have complete freedom to roam thru. Previous comments tended to say that the main story was less effective than just driving around, listening to funny faux radio and killing people without remorse. All of that is supposed to change with the latest installment – promising a truly interactive "living, breathing" environment, a compelling plot with a sympathetic lead character and a dramatic graphic upgrade. Based on about an hour of gameplay, does it deliver?

Maybe.

Liberty City (GTA's spin on Manhattan) is, indeed, breathtaking. Playing the game doesn't seem like a series of levels, it feels like... existing. No load times, no artificial boundaries, no rules – instead there's an actual environment with legitimate geography, different neighborhoods and populated by people who appear to be living their own life as opposed to being arranged for a main character to interact with. On a pure technical and artistic level, it's a staggering achievement.

As Niko Bellic, I haven't hit the main plot yet, having just arrived in the city to meet up with my loser cousin Roman, who's been filling my head with American dreams and has, instead, been eking out a criminal existence in a roach-filled apartment, drowning in debt. I've driven him around a bit, saved him from loan sharks, met some of his, uh, "friends," etc. Tough to say at this point how much we'll identify with Niko, altho I'll give him some points for not showing up on our shores with a "kill 'em all' mentality.

One thing that feels missing is the purported sense of reality that's part of the hype. Because for all the detail applied to the environment, it's clearly glossed over when it comes to how you interact with it. Within fifteen seconds of the first time I got behind the wheel, I'd crashed into several cars, knocked down a few streetlights and accidentally mowed down a couple pedestrians. Several of these things happened while the girl I was driving around commented on my clothes. Illicit thrills are designed to be a part of the game, and I guess I'm supposed to pump my fist and shout with glee every time I slaughter an innocent Liberty City-ian, but it's a little weird to have no one comment on the fact that instead of dropping them at their house, I overshot it by a block and smashed into a dumpster, pinning a hobo to the wall in the process. Add the fact that whatever car I drive apparently goes several times as fast as anything else on the road and the game's got a few questions to answer.

Which won't happen until I boot it back up and dive back in. More later...

When Irish Eyes Aren't Smiling

2008-04-24T15:08:00.002-05:00

So Carly Smithson got voted off last night and, while I can't say I'm too upset about it, she prolly didn't deserve to go.

Yet.

I've never really "gotten" Carly Smithson. Not that her brogue is that strong – it's just that past beyond said brogue, she always came across as basically a fine singer, particularly if you're looking for someone to front a Heart tribute band.

Which I sincerely hope no one is.

That said, she belted out an acceptable version of Jesus Christ, Superstar. It was maybe a little bit on the shouty side, but it was a step up from Brooke, who was a bit on the forgetty the words side, and Jason Castro, who was a bit on the whatty the hell were you thinky side.

I still think it's David Cook's contest to lose, but for those concerned about the order of losers, you can rest assured that Carly got a wee bit robbed.

Aaaannnddd... we're done.

2008-04-16T09:12:00.002-05:00

After last night's take on Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby," it no longer matters whether David Cook actually gets the most votes – he's won. He could turn out to be Kelly and take the title, he could be Daughtry and score a career, but that performance may have rendered the rest of the season irrelevant.

So You Think You Can Step it Up and Walk the Runway to America's Top Dance Crew Project?

2008-04-09T13:46:00.011-05:00

What this latest installment from Bravo's reality tv factory lacks in innovation, it makes up for in presentation... almost. It's almost exactly the same show as So You Think You Can Dance, but instead of perky Cat Deeley as host, it's... a different kind of perky Elizabeth Berkeley. Why? Well, she showed off her... um... moves in Showgirls where she insisted that she's not a stripper, SHE'S A DANCER! And the judges, instead of being American Idol knockoffs (streetwise black guy, effusive woman, snarky Brit) are a bunch of industry pros that you've likely never heard of.

From the initial episode, I'd say it's better than America's Best Dance Crew (sorry, Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew) but worse than So You Think You Can Dance. It's definitely slicker than the MTV show, but it's missing some of the spirit that the younger cast of SYTYCD brings. There's just something more innately appealing in watching undiscovered kids trying to break into the business than mid-tier semi-pros trying to land a somewhat bigger job.

Actually, all of the dancing shows suffer from a rather indistinct prize – I'm not sure what the next Top Dancer actually means, or where they Think They Can Dance or whatever. It's not like the American Idol machine, which pumps out a winner's album even if it's Ruben.

Regardless, is Step it Up and Dance worth a watch? Aside from the terrible title – sure, particularly as most shows are still recovering from the writer's strike. As far as Bravo rip-offs go, it's notably better than their take on America's Next Top Model, called Make Me a Supermodel. It's well-produced, the dancing is good, the cast is a combustible mix of talent and ego, etc. I don't see it spurring an NBC/Lifetime war like Runway, but it's ok for a Thursday. At least for six more Thursdays, when the Cat comes back.

Take Another Little Piers of My Heart

2008-03-28T17:05:00.005-05:00

In a showdown about as thrilling as you'd expect from two competitors helping each other on the same task, Piers Morgan won the battle billed (by The Donald, at least) as The Ultimate Fight Between Good and Evil. Uh huh. What this basically boiled down to is that country star Trace Adkins is an absolute gentleman with a great cause and a few fairly well-off friends, while Piers is an absolute prat with a great cause and a ton of filthy rich friends.

Which is all well and good, really – you kind of know what you're getting if you sign up to watch The Celebrity Apprentice. Unfortunately, what you're also signing up for is a hackily produced live finale which amounted to Donald and his kids sitting on a fake table on the Saturday Night Live set while the taped episode played out on TVs in the studio, serving as an uneasy laugh track for the home audience.

Say what you want about Survivor (and what I say is that even tho this season is getting better ratings and raves, I can no longer muster up interest in watching a bunch of Type As sit on the beach and eat bugs) but they do their finale well. There's a healthy amount of cheese, as the taped ep often ends with host Jeff Probst apparently spanning the space/time continuum by leaving tribal council months in the past and showing up in the present seconds later wearing exactly the same outfit. But they reserve the live stuff for the reveal of the winner and then a reunion show Q&A with those who didn't Survive. Works.

The Apprentice, however, flips that formula on its ear, presenting two hours of live table-sitting and awkward narration capped by an extremely brief (and seemingly redundant) boardroom, a final hiring/firing celebrated by a smattering of shiny confetti, and a promise – or threat – from Trump that we can join them next year, because they're gonna be around for a looooooong time.

Frankly, I hope he sticks with the Celebrity version of The Apprentice, as it brings some interest to a flagging franchise. Round up another odd collection of has-beens, never-weres and who-are-theys and have at it. It's pass-the-time fun with a nice charitable angle. Just leave Omarosa at homearosa. Enough already.

Really thought this was gonna be more like Splash

2008-03-27T07:46:00.003-05:00

Enchanted looked fun. A quirky twist on the classic fish-out-of-water story, with an animated princess turning up in modern-day Manhattan. Supercute. And it is... if you're five.

Unlike the best kids' or all-family films, Enchanted pretty much only works on one level – the "I buy all the Disney Princess merchandise" level. There's a bit of humor that isn't strictly for kids, but it unfortunately boils down into garden variety "Welcome to New Yawk" type jokes.

So for all my young readers (??), enjoy. It's well done for what it is. Parents, if you've seen the previews, you've seen the laughs. Beware.

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Carne Seca and Roller Derby?

2008-03-18T10:38:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I know what it looks like. But don't try to tell me you don't want a Super Dog, too.

I'm back from Sox Spring Training in Tucson and the score looks something like this: 2 wins, 2 losses, 3 rounds of golf, at least 6 hot dogs (not sure how many the above one counts for), 3 plates of seca (a treat only available in Tucson), 2 books read cover-to-cover (The Last Best League and Say it's So) and 1 night of women's roller derby.
Yes, women's roller derby - a doubleheader in which the Furious Truckstop Waitresses defeated the Copper Queens followed by Iron Curtain falling to Vice Squad. Hard as it might be to believe, I'd never seen roller derby before, and even harder to believe – I may see it again. The traveling team (the Saddletramps) is coming to Chicago to face off against the best of the Windy City Rollers, and that may just be too much to pass up – the chance to see ladies like Sloppy Flo and Cheap Ore face off against Beth Amphetamine and Goldie Shocks! There are a surprising amount of leagues across the country – oddly worth checking out if you get a chance.

On a more, you know, real sports note – tough to say what the Sox are gonna look like this year. Javier Vasquez has serious stuff but Jose Contreras and Gavin Floyd were not in good form, Orlando Cabrera and Nick Swisher are definite upgrades while Juan Uribe didn't look half bad at second base. And Joe Crede looks like Brooks Robinson at third but below Mendoza at the plate while Josh Fields hits the hell out of the ball but boots the hell out of it as well. God, I love baseball.

Going going gone

2008-03-10T18:00:00.002-05:00

I'm off to see the Sox for a week. In the meantime, watch these:

Welcome to the Jungle

2008-03-06T07:53:00.003-06:00

I pretty much assumed this would be Lipstick Bungle, but surprisingly, not so much. Compared to the other recent sex in the city clone, Lipstick is much more appealing than Cashmere.

It's the same premise - a look at the lived of sexy, high-powered women who have it all... or do they? But the difference is that Nico, Victory and Wendy are somewhat more "real" characters than... whatever the women of cashmere mafia's names are. Failing careers and struggling relationships are more relateable than prep school power mom squabbles and bi-curious dabbling. As an added bonus, the men of lipstick are a mix of features and flaws, rather than a parade of people pulled from central casting to answer the cliche of men are pigs.

All is not perfect in the jungle, however - Shields' movie studio job feels increasingly unrealistic. The pilot subplot was about getting into a bidding war over dueling films about Galileo, and the last episode featured a paparazzi-fuled party to support "a potential huge hit" that was about... the slums of India in the 1930s. Uh huh. Victory's speeches tend to be a bit on the nose ("they're not just my friends... they're my family!"). And kim raver as a cougar isn't the newest story in the world.

So overall - dunno that these three will dethrone Carrie and crew any time soon, but four episodes deep it's still worth tuning in. If you've got the
money, honey, they've got your disease.

The Guys Can Blow, the Girls... Just Blow

2008-02-28T13:45:00.005-06:00

The ladeez of American Idol were almost uniformly terrible last night. The lone voice singing in the wilderness that was worth listening to was Brooke, whose hippie Sheryl Crow vibe is working, if a little grating. But otherwise you can pretty much sum the evening up with this:
It's Overmyer, Amanda – the Janice Joplin-meets-Cats competition, that is.. As for the rest of 'em, Alaina's angling for the Haley Scarnato "pretty girl, pretty bad" award, Alexandrea Lushington, aside from having a perfect pornstar name, looked (and sounded) like she'd just come from a parkour session, Asia'h should be voted off on name alone, Carly, despite endless praise from the judges and nearly that much money spent already trying to make her a star, appears to me to be just an ordinary singer with a fun brogue, Kady Malloy (the Rich Little of the bunch) nearly missed both falling down the stairs and every note she sang, Ramiele apparently picked her song so that people couldn't make a "lullaby" joke off her last name "Malubay," Syesha showed a commercial in which she appeared as a middle-aged fat guy's trophy wife, and Kristy Lee Cook, despite being a hot cage fighter, stomped and posed all over the stage while belting out a bad song.

But she remains, fortunately, a hot cage fighter, so she'll stick around. The rest of the hacks? Send 'em back.

David vs. Goliath...

2008-02-27T11:27:00.004-06:00

...who is, like many of the contestants, also named David. Last night two guys separated themselves from the rest of the Idols:
The first David, last name Archuleta, is this sweet kid whose self-deprecating smiling would be annoying if he wasn't so damn good. This kid can sing (or "blow," as Randy Jackson unfortunately often says). Remarkably talented and charmingly young, he'll face his toughest competition among the guys from...
David Cook, who's much more musically established – older, has toured, etc. He's also carving out a niche for himself as the next Daughtry, unlike Robbie Carrico, who purports to be "a real rocker" but was, alas, in a bubblegum pop band called Boyz-N-Girlz United.

Seriously. Boyz. N. Girlz. United.

Anyway, the rest of 'em, with the possible exception of now one-named Chikezie, are pretty much a loss. The other David is an over-the-top loon, Danny Noriega's got an interesting... uh... vibe to him, but I think it'll turn into a novelty act at some point, Jason Yeager seems to be auditioning to play the gay younger brother in a Dane Cook vehicle, Jason Castro looks like he got lost (and stoned) en route to a Halloween party, the Orlando Bloom guy ought to be in a Queen cover band instead, and WhatsHisFace is lost outside of songs that Bush would've sung. Bring on tha ladeez.

Not that I'm the world's biggest Kanye West or Amy Winehouse fan, but...

2008-02-11T09:23:00.000-06:00

Herbie Hancock?
Album of the Year?
Seriously?

Eli McBeal

2008-01-31T23:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, his last name is actually Stone, but Eli's a pretty direct descendant of the miniskirted lawyer with a penchant for whimisical visions. I suppose I should say he's a spiritual successor, as the "o" in Stone is made with a halo.

See, Eli's a big-time, big-city lawyer who takes on big cases for big clients and big money, caring only about cool cars and sharp suits, until... George Michael shows up and tells him (yes, via song) that he's gotta have faith. Ah-faith, ah-faith. He's gotta have faith-ah-faith-ah-faith.

If several reprises of the chorus don't make it clear enough, several characters directly reinforce the show's main theme, which is... wait for it... faith. Eli makes discoveries that restores his faith in his father, he argues a case that restores his faith in the justice system, and restores our faith in the institution of marriage by sticking with his fiance who dumps him when -spoiler alert- he's diagnosed with a brain aneurysm.

So do I have faith that there's a show here? Not so much. The pilot has a particularly strange vibe of over-the-top heartstring pulling (did I mention the major case concerns an autistic child going up against Big Pharma? An autistic child who's the son of the girl Eli lost his virginity to?) combined with shoot-from-the-hip philosophical meanderings. And Jonny Lee Miller plays Eli Stone with an odd sense of deliberate stammery awkwardness that I assume is supposed to be disarming and charming, but instead comes off as a hyper-intelligent insect in Armani fantasizing about George Michael.

And speaking of Jonny Lee Miller, ABC's trumpeting him as a prime reason to tune in (as in "Johnny Lee Miller IS... Eli Stone!"), which I also don't get. Here are the three things that come to mind when you say Jonny Lee Miller: he was in Hackers, he was in Trainspotting, and he was in Angelina Jolie. None of those are particularly impressive - I know, I know, visionary and harrowing Trainspotting and all that... but don't tell me that this faith-baiting show is assuming a bunch of heroin chic flick fans are part of the audience.

Regardless of who they hope will be the audience for this show, it won't include me. Pass.

Looking for the Best Show on TV?

2008-01-31T20:21:00.000-06:00

Found.

Rerun Redux

2008-01-31T12:48:00.001-06:00

Normally I'm not a fan of "special encore presentations," but last night's Lost did it right. ABC replayed the spectacular season three finale, Through the Looking Glass, with a pop-up video style scroll that added extra information to the on-screen action.

It served as an official peek under the tent (or at least into the writer's room ;) that illuminated some secrets of the show. The CW got in on the action, too, albeit for a different reason. They re-ran the Gossip Girl pilot with interviews and behind-the-scenes stuff – not so much in an effort to dive deeper into layers of twisted mysteries, but to court new viewers beyond the Facebook crowd buzz.

It's a perfect solution to this strike-shortened season – almost the equivalent of a free DVD-style commentary track. Rather than flooding us with wretched reality, let the writers pick up a mic while they put down their pens.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

2008-01-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

...and I don't feel fine. In fact, in the spirit of this wretched show, I'll share a shocking revelation of how not fine I felt: during the broadcast, some leftover chinese food gave me a ripe case of the runs... which was more pleasant than watching Moment of Truth.

If you haven't followed this train as it prepared to run off the rails, Moment of Truth is a game show of sorts. Think of it as 500,000 Pyramid... of Lies! It goes like this: some desperate loser, in front of his family and friends, answers questions designed to rend his relationships apart in pursuit of a bigger bank account while a feral crowd hoots and hollers. Oh, and it's hosted by someone named Mark Wahlberg, but unfortunately he's not the one with the Funky Bunch, he's a puffy exercise in smuggery shoved into an ill-fitting suit.

If it's not clear by now, this thing is a repugnant disaster. It feels like one of those misguided faux shows that you see in near-future science fiction shows designed to illustrate how society has broken down and we'll all be living like Lord of the Flies soon. You know, like how they don't play football in 2010... instead it's "KillBall," complete with spiked walls and firepits filled with robot sharks. Or like those "I'll buy that for a dollar" segments in Robocop... except replace the satirical elements with abject humiliation and failure.

On the premier episode, a pompous personal trainer "won" $25,000 by admitting he checked out other guys' packages in the locker room and has done things in his marriage that would make his wife not trust him before he got bounced for lying about whether he's inappropriately touched any of his clients. Of course, by lying, his wife found out that he had, but that's beside the point... I guess. Then we moved on to an addictive gambler who fessed up to the fact that not only was he a member of the hair club for men, he stuffed his pants in the past to bulk things up south of the border.

At all of these things, the laugh-track like crowd went "woooooaaaahhhh" and applauded, while the wives and girlfriends alternately looked dismayed and urged their men to keep dialing for dollars. It's hideous.

And worse, it's hideously slow. The host puts a pregnant pause between every question, and the results of the lie detector tests are announced by a futuristic robot female voice that waits so long before saying true or false that her pauses prolly need to be induced. To push this metaphor into the realm of bad taste that this show revels in, Moment of Truth should have been aborted several trimesters ago.

It's supposed to be surprising and titillating, but it comes off as horrifying and depressing. If you can't stay away, DVR it and watch in the morning before you get ready... 'cause you'll gonna need a shower after.

Look! On YouTube! It's a Bird, it's a Plane, it's...

2008-01-22T10:52:00.000-06:00

...well, we never really find out what the thing ripping New York a new one is in Cloverfield, but let's call it the Blair Witch Monster (aka the Anti-Snakes on a Plane), because for a film built entirely on buzz, this one delivers. This shakycam story of a Godzilla-esque monster attack and a group of twentysomethings attempting to survive it is a thrilling piece of filmmaking.

What starts as a going-away party for a friend turns into a going-away party for the entire city as the monster announces its presence with authority by ripping the head off the Statue of Liberty and hurling it across the Hudson. It lands at the feet of our partygoers, and we follow their quest for safety and to save a friend entirely thru the lens of a camcorder.

It sounds like a gimmick, and it is. Much like the teaser trailer that only released the date (and not the name) of the film. As well as the viral websites that fill in the backstory that's not shown on screen. But here's the thing about gimmicks – sometimes they work. There's a sense of immediancy that the camcorder conveys – I don't really wanna test this theory, but I'd guess this is pretty much exactly what it'd be like to be terrorized by a multi-story monster for an hour and a half.

So put aside your concerns about camcorder battery life or durability and get your tension on – Cloverfield's a killer.

And the Nominees Are...

2008-01-22T10:41:00.001-06:00

...not terribly inspiring, given that I haven't seen most of the stuff that's up for awards. Sorry, but titles like No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood just don't scream "get off the couch" for me. I'll prolly get to the big hitter of the year (Atonement) and I've seen the little movie that could (Juno) and Michael Clayton was... you know... a nice tight thriller, but I didn't come out of the theater with Clayton-mania runnin' wild. Far as I'm concerned, the best movie I saw all year was the six-minute Batman short that played in front of I am Legend at IMAX.

So instead I'll comment on the poster.

This year the Academy turned to Drew Struzan, best known for collages of photorealistic heads of science fiction stars. Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, Hellboy, Back to the Future... he's done 'em all. Apparently he "conceived" it, while the actual illustration was executed by his son Christian. I'm not quite sure what the conceptual role was here, given that it's... you know... the Oscar statue backed by flashbulbs.

But it's a solid effort. Doesn't measure up to a recent fave from another well-known comic artist, Alex Ross, but it's worlds better than, say, this one which has a definite thrown-together-in-the-last-ten-minutes-with-clipart feel to it. And given that if it stuck to true Struzan style, we'd be looking at the blended heads of Javier Bardem, Tilda Swinton and an animated rat, I'd say we made out ok.

I Come Not to Bury Simon, But to Praise Him

2008-01-16T17:33:00.001-06:00

Apologies to Shakespeare (and unscripted television haters), but based on last night's premiere, season seven of American Idol looks pretty good... and sounds even better.

I'm assuming I don't need to detail the show – if you don't know, you prolly don't read this blog. What's encouraging about these auditions (so far) is that the producers seem less fascinated with the seamy underbelly of attention-starved America and more interested in creating compelling stories about singers.

Oh sure, we met the misguided Gen Yers who've been told that they can do anything! Even be a star! Don't let anyone tell you different! Even people who know a lot more about singing than you do! Plus the hideous losers who still crave their proverbial fifteen minutes even if that time is spent laughing at them. And the sad cases of hopefuls who desperately want to validate their existence by winning a contest they have no business entering.

But we also met singers who – get this – can sing. Rather than parade an endless procession of increasingly awful freaks in front of us, the cameras actually swung around to track endearing Olympics-style stories that turn these kids into characters.

Finally, the judges are in good form. Bear in mind that good form for Randy is incoherent patter (now delivered from behind an odd pair of muttonchops). And Paula sticks to her I Heart Everyone guns, but Simon seems to have put his pistols away. Or at least clicked the safety on, reserving the real rancor for the people who deserve it – unfunny fame whores dying to degrade themselves on a national stage.

So we'll see - traditionally I tire of the auditions pretty quickly, but as last year they outdrew the finale, they're not going anywhere anytime soon. Here's hoping they continue along this plotline path.

No Fate But What We Make...

2008-01-14T13:49:00.000-06:00

...particularly if we keep re-making it. I suppose it's not surprising that Fox went back to the well in lieu of new material; what is surprising about this extension of the Terminator franchise is that, so far, it's pretty damn good.

Based on the "Two-Night Premiere Event" (which I believe means airing the first two episodes ;) I think that Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles could have legs. Shiny metal robot legs. Shiny metal robot legs with guns hidden in them, in fact, if the new Terminators have anything to say about it.

I won't drown you in arcane mythology, because the show doesn't either. If you've seen T2, you're good to go. The show picks up a couple years later, where Sarah Connor and her son John drift through life, apparently safe from the threat of SkyNet, the computer system that, in the future, is due to become self-aware and destroy humanity. Emphasis on "apparently," because both good and bad Terminators show up quicker than you can say "it's not a tumor... at all."

Speaking of tumor, these Chronicles, while clearly following in T2's giant cyborg footsteps, does give a nod to T3, where we learned that Sarah Connor died of cancer – in ep 2 of this show, she learns the same and gets herself tested. The showrunners have stated that their intention is to lead into the new franchise, not T3 specifically, but it's nice to see that little Claire Danes film not left out in the cold. The kid cast as John Connor in the show, too, seems to be a bridge between the films, as he looks sort of like if T2's Edward Furlong and T3's Nick Stahl had a son. If that were possible. Of course, we are talking about time-traveling killer robots, so who knows.

And speaking of nods, the Sarah Connor Chronicles tosses quite a few affectionate ones to the fanboys. The opening and closing shots mirror the iconic dark highway and apocalyptic swingset images from the films. The Connor's initial alias is "Reese," as in Kyle Reese from T1 – John's father from the future. The good Terminator (played by Summer Glau as a spin on her River Tam character from Firefly/Serenity) is named "Cameron," as in James, the director of the first two films... and she also delivers the classic "come with me if you want to live" line. No one's said "I'll be back" yet – perhaps we'll have to wait 'til sweeps.

But it's not all fun and games. While the show preserves the occasional offbeat note from the films (Terminator Cameron gets blindsided by a car, raises her head from thru the windshield to calmly tell the family inside to "please remain calm" ;) it also retains the sobering undertones of humanity's responsibility in their own destruction. A sequence where Sarah learns about 9-11 is actually pretty moving.

So overall, a big thumbs up. A worthy successor to the Terminator saga with a nice time-travel twist. Give it a whirl – we've got to find something to watch until the computers grow up and destroy us all, right? Or at least until the writer's strike ends, whichever comes first.

Cock 'n Bull

2008-01-12T15:27:00.001-06:00

Shoot 'em Up may well be the worst movie released all year. It's easily the stupidest, and bear in mind I've recently watched Evan Almighty, License to Wed and American Dreamz. Dreams... with a Z.

I'd warn you of SPOILERS AHEAD, but I'd be doing you a disservice in that you might not know what an abject failure this movie is. The "plot," such as it is, concerns a baby-breeding ring organized by an evil Presidential candidate who needs their bone marrow and colludes with a handgun maker to kill all the babies and their mothers to cover up the conspiracy. I think. The "hero," such as he is, is the son of a legion of British pistol experts who fled to America when the gun laws tightened, who was taken in by Black Ops when he was ten only to reemerge into society in time to inherit his father's gun shop where he unwittingly sold the shotguns to criminals who would later hold up a McDonald's, killing his wife and son with the guns he sold, driving him to live on the streets as a nameless hobo nihilist, surviving solely on carrots until this blissful existence is interrupted by a meeting with one of the baby-breeding mothers who is killed, leaving the last baby in his care – a baby he proceeds to take on an hour and fifteen minutes of the worst "gun as phallus" adventures imaginable.

The fetishistic gun/penis connection is nothing new, but the depths to which this movie plumbs the cliche certainly are. A few of the most egregious examples include the "hero" severing an umbilical cord with his gun, getting in a gunfight while he's delivering the baby, getting in a gunfight while he's making a baby, cleaning his gun on a baby-changing station in a decrepit bathroom and bonding with the baby by showing him how to use a loaded gun. Not to be outdone, the villain of the film uses his gun to both masturbate with a nude woman's corpse and attempt to burn off a hooker with a heart of gold's labia.

The movie attempts to be sort of a giddy ultraviolent take on MacGuyver, but in its quest for kewl it serves as perhaps the most idiotic and insensitive example of an already callous genre. Avoid at all costs.

Next in the City

2008-01-09T10:22:00.000-06:00

Cashmere Mafia, the newest attempt to be the next Sex in the City (and from the same producer) premiered Sunday and encored last night to prep for its regular timeslot tonight. Whew – that's a lot of Lucy Liu in one week.

In attempting to inherit Sex in the City's tiara, Mafia follows it pretty much note for note. A foursome of sexy sassy gals take the Big Apple by storm, leaving a trail of guys in their wake. There are a few differences – they seem to have more money than SJP and crew, one of them really might be a lesbian for more than just one episode, and all the male characters seem to have been crossbred with swine to prove the cliche that men are pigs.

The pilot certainly suffers from what I'll call Startup Syndrome, where a season's worth of themes, character traits and subplots have to be shoehorned into forty-four minutes, often resulting in some awkward plot contrivances. Like when Mia (apparently a media buyer pit against her fiance for a promotion) calls the Cashmere Mafia together for an URGENT! meeting... by emailing them all individually. By scrolling across the address bar, we learn that Zoe's a VP of this, Juliet's a VP of that, and Caitlin's a VP of the other thing. Or when their rival, fresh from a nooner with one of their husbands, stops by their lunchtable and proclaims "The Cashmere Mafia... that's what they call you, you know." Thanks. Got it.

We also learn about the men in their lives, all of which exist to showcase how awesomely full of Grrl Power the titular characters are. One of them calls off an engagement because he can't compete with her at the office. One of them cheats on his wife because he's jealous of her in the bedroom. One of them makes whiny objections to everything because he can't keep up with her at home. And one of them complains about what he's not getting from the relationship, because he can't satisfy the (maybe) lesbian.

It's not like we don't need more examples of strong female characters in the media – guys are fairly well represented, so it's not an unforgivable crime that the male element of the show is a little weak. What won't work over the long haul is that the show is so one-note. It has potential, particularly in some of the performers – Bonnie Somerville was pretty terrific on NYPD Blue and Kitchen Confidential, and Miranda Otto (Eowyn from Lord of the Rings) is a stage-trained actress who, in explaining the unspoken bargain she's arranged with her cheating husband, provides the best scene in the show. And once the showrunners stop trying to illustrate how crazy sexy busy everyone is by having them constantly flash their blackberries, the characters might get some room to breathe and develop.

So it passes the Pilot Hurdle, particularly because the next one's on tonight and we're mired in the writer's strike. When Lipstick Jungle, the next next Sex in the City clone, premieres in February, we'll see which one sleeps with the fishes.

I Also Fight Like Seven Hundred

2008-01-08T12:26:00.000-06:00

Frank tagged me, which is nice. He also apologized for doing so, which is even nicer. So, without further ado, I'll drop seven nuggets of knowledge on you:

1) I once rigged a White Sox ticket sweepstakes at my local Jewel (or "the Jewel" as some people inexplicably say). In direct violation of the "one per person" rule, I filled out all the remaining entries in the top tear pad. In direct violation of (I'm sure) some other rule, I stole the remaining tear pad. Oddly, I won. Even more oddly, I now work in promotions, often on... sweepstakes.

2) I designed the pre-Sesquicentennial logo for my hometown of Elmhurst, IL. I was prolly eleven, I not exactly a designer, and I was apparently not a photographer as I never got a picture taken of myself with the "149 and Counting..." banner that spanned the length of a bridge – despite it being up for a year.

3) When asked to create a team name for a six-person group project in college, I presented the name "Six Pack," unaware that "Six Pack" was the example given in the textbook to explain the exercise... as I hadn't bought the book, opting to skim sections in the university library when it seemed appropriate.

4) I had a catch with my dad on the Field of Dreams.

5) As a college intern, I asked Kristy Swanson to my office Christmas party, only be rejected by her publicist because she was currently dating Chad Lowe. Whose ass I prolly could've kicked if need be.

6) I spent last summer watching all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, all 5 seasons of Angel, the first 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, the mini-series and first 2 seasons of Battlestar Galactica and the entire series of Kitchen Confidential.

7) In office softball leagues, I regularly played second base in a pair of baseball pants worn by former White Sox hurler Rich Dotson.

ARE YOU ENTERTAINED??!?!?!??!?

2008-01-07T17:11:00.000-06:00

Well, no – not really. Here's hoping the re-launch of American Gladiators gets launched from the prime-time schedule soon, because it's a disaster. These "re-imaginings" are tricky business; sometimes you get Battlestar Galactica, sometimes you get Bionic Woman. And sometimes you really strike out and get Planet of the Apes.

The original Gladiators wasn't exactly high art, but had a certain schlocky charm for its time. Unfortunately, as it is wont to do, time marches on. But Gladiators hasn't – aside from repainting the Power Ball cones and adding pits of water... or fire... or firewater, it's exactly the same show. Which in a world weaned on wrestling, action sports and reality TV, is completely irrelevant.

Instead of battling blank "personalities" like Crush (pictured above), Titan and Insert Generic Power Word Here, contestants should be going up against former UFC and WWE champs. If you wanna dust off 80s relic Hulk Hogan, put a pugil stick in his hand instead of a microphone. And update the events instead of polishing retreads that seem like holdovers from the Presidential Physical Fitness Awards.

Overall is it watchable? I guess, in the sense that it's people hitting each other with brightly colored objects. But you'd prolly have a better time throwing Twizzlers at each other. Pass.

As Michael and Arnold Have Said...

2008-01-07T10:36:00.000-06:00

...albeit with far less impact, I'm back. Was out for the tail end of the year on vacation; Dave wondered where I went – here's a clue:
Any guesses? No prizes to the winners, but I will do a review if you want me to...

See you next year, I'm on...

2007-12-14T06:33:00.001-06:00

No joke.

2007-12-05T16:48:00.001-06:00

I realize I'm opening up a door that has the words "potentially tremendous disappointment" written on it, but Warner Bros. continues to raise my expectations for The Dark Knight, the followup to Batman Begins. They laid a fantastic foundation for the franchise with the first film, updated Batman's costume to make him much more mobile, and now they've unleashed a torrent of terrific teasers. From the election-appropriate introduction of Harvey Dent to a crazy quilt of joker jests, their marketing department is killing it.

The latest salvo is today's release of the teaser poster, and no joke – it's real and it's spectacular. Combining the more mature take on the material (i.e. the Joker is a deranged lunatic, not a merry prankster) with iconic imagery that fuses hero and villain, it's a breathtaking piece of dark design. If the movie's half as good as the poster (unlike, say, The Phantom Menace) we're in for some serious smiles next summer.

Shitman

2007-11-22T23:16:00.001-06:00

I was tempted to stop the review right there, Spinal Tap-style, but a few more words must be said. Those words are: do not, under any circumstances, see Hitman.

Timothy Olyphant, good in pretty much everything else he's ever been in, is not in this. He plays the titular Hitman, a killer with neither a name nor conscience - just a tattoo on the back of his bald head indicating the number an order of monks that trains assassins branded him with. I'm basically skipping over the fact that there is, apparently, an order of monks that trains assassins because the movie does, too. I guess we're supposed to have memorized the videogames the movie's based on for it to make any sense. Or at least to explain why Olyphant shambles like an improperly assembled mannequin thru most of the flick.

The plot feels hastily tossed together by a member of the target audience, which I presume are frustrated fifteen year olds. Hitman kills some guys. Turns out one of the guys is a double of another guy. Other Hitmen try to kill Hitman but he talks them into dying with dignity, so they don't shoot him - instead opting to get sworded to death. Some chick wants to have sex with Hitman but he doesn't, because he's so cool. Hitman kills some more guys. Hitman kills a lot more guys. One guy traps Hitman in a chair, but a helicopter flies by and shoots everything up. Hitman escapes, goes back to nail that chick, and stands on a building to look cool. With a gun. 'Cause he's Hitman.

I mean Shitman. Pass.

Prison Broken

2007-11-13T22:09:00.000-06:00

Ok. Prison Break always required a healthy suspension of disbelief. But even as an ode to coincidence, it had its pleasures. The gee-whiz neatery of the original escape. The pleasant surprise that was the on-the-run fun of Season 2. And, for tha ladeez, the fact that Wentworth Miller would have to frequently take off his shirt to inspect his tattoos. But as the curtain fell on the strike-shortened "fall finale," it's time to come to grips with this... Prison Break makes no sense.

The third season had a potentially nice twist - Michael Scofield, the original prison breaker, found himself behind bars and his recently-freed brother Linc, the original prison breakee (?) had to get him out. Isn't it ironic... don't'cha think? However, the showrunners didn't stop at some fun hunter-has-become-the-hunted deliciousness, they opted to up the ante by locking Scofield inside "SONA."

Which is a Panamanian prison.
Where the police have sent the worst criminals imaginable.
Then backed off to a safe perimeter.
And let the inmates run the asylum.
While they flew unicorns down a trail of rainbows.

Well, the last bit hasn't happened yet, but my DVR cut off the scenes from the next episodes, so who knows - it wouldn't be out of character for this show that apparently takes place in some grungy South American version of fantasyland. In addition to the completely nonsensical locale, Scofield is saddled with a mission that involves busting out not only himself, but another criminal named Whistler, wanted by "The Company."

The conspiracy elements of the show have always been the weakest, but they were allowable amidst the Shawshankian hijinks inside the walls of Fox River. But now, where Scofield might as well change his name to MacGyver and establish a rate card for breaking out of increasingly ludicrous prisons, trying to follow the exploits of Whistler, who needs to be broken out of SONA for... some reason, by... some people, at... some specific time is an exercise in frustration.

SPOILER ALERT for people who are still watching: to close the fall season, The Company, much like the rest of us, got tired of waiting for the kids to break out of SONA and stormed it with helicopters. It's unclear why they didn't do this, say, before Scofield showed up. It didn't work, Scofield got blamed for it, and as his punishment... got freed from the prison. It's unclear why they didn't, say, shoot him like every single other person who tried to escape. One assumes he'll be put in an even worse prison - perhaps on the moon. Or Atlantis. Or in The Running Man .

Or perhaps he'll be caught by the most powerful force of all - the Writer's Strike.