If you have $300 million lying around...

...you could buy this:

The Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Games

Pretty impressive, as these things go, particularly the scale and precision. Opening ceremonies are traditionally an explosion of symbolism and confusion, but the messages of this spectacular was fairly clear: China's a much more open society than, well, it's acted like it is, we can coordinate armies of people with a snap of our fingers, and we've got more money than you could possibly imagine. While the show did feature some slight head-shakers (like a parade of adorable children presenting the Chinese and Olympic flags to... stern goose-stepping soldiers) overall the performers used a novel combination of digital technology (a 500-foot LED screen) and traditional discipline (2008 dancers forming and re-forming perfect circles in unison) to highlight China's cultural contributions through history. In case you missed it, a quick recap:

2008 drummers that coordinated light patterns with every strike

Traditional costumes presented on a mass scale

A rippling ocean simulated with incredible precision

Snow ninjas and, um, glowing frogmen

Spectacular Cirque du Soleil-style displays and China's famous fireworks

Bob Costas and Matt Lauer provided the commentary, along with their Chinese analyst, Joshua Cooper Ramo. Lauer talked a great deal about the scrim that surrounds the entire stadium; in this ceremony, it was used to project supporting images on – in the future, one imagines it'll support advertising for the Chinese soccer team. Costas kept upping the ante of bombastic praise, finishing with something like "for Opening Cermonies competition, you can now close the book!" Guess Muhammed Ali and this guy can go screw, huh? And Ramo skirted China's brutal human rights record and other controversial issues, urging everyone to focus on the future... or at least the impressive dancers. One odd note they all kept repeating was the fact that all the formations featured 2008 performers, as testimony to the host country's huge population. Yes, China's got a lot of people – but it's not like Vancouver's gonna be unable to scrounge up 2010 dancers for the opening of the Winter Games in a couple years. Overall, tho, good show. Now bring on the underage gymnasts!

Mad Meh

I tried, I really tried. Not only to like this show, but to avoid another "meh." But if the penny loafer fits...

Anyway, I tuned in for the series premiere last year and it didn't take. As the episodes kept piling up on my DVR, I decided to abandon the Mad Men of Stirling Cooper to their drinks and smokes – until the raves also kept piling up and I figured it was worth another go. About halfway thru the first season on DVD... still not so much.

There's no soul. And perhaps I'm missing some meta metaphor buried deep within the boredom, but nothing makes me want to keep watching. The characters, particularly the lead mystery man Don Draper, are so detached and clinical that I can't find a reason to care about what happens to them. Or their relationships. Or their drinks and smokes. Once one gets over the Madison Avenue atmosphere, which I'll grant is skillfully executed, what else is there? Awkward pauses and long songs that fade to the closing credits. Pass.

Better Late Than... (Batman For)ever

Ok, here's the thing – I was out of town when The Dark Knight came out, so I saw it late. Adding my voice to the chorus of cheers for this magnificent movie isn't going to sound much different. I agree with the other three hundred million people – it's breathtaking piece of malevolent brilliance. Yes, Heath Ledger should be in the running for an Oscar and yes, it could be a legit contender for Best Picture. It's that good – not just a great superhero movie, but a superior movie overall.

That said, I do want to highlight what I found perhaps most impressive – that after a staggeringly well-executed viral campaign, the marketing team saved their biggest surprise for last...

The third act.

So often, watching a trailer is a 90 second version of a 90 minute movie – plot and all. Watching the movie feels like sitting thru a particularly labored director's cut. Not so with Dark Knight. At about the hour and forty minute mark, a major chase scene began to seem more and more climactic. Eminently happy with the movie so far, I settled in for what looked to be a bang-up ending.

Not so – The Joker's got an ace or two up his sleeve, and the last hour manages to stand up and separate itself from what's already a spectacular film. It's a gut-wrenchingly tense thrill ride... that I hadn't seen in the previews. The decision to not splash every moment on every screen across the globe was a welcome one – and must be adding to the incredible word of mouth that's helping the movie destroy Hollywood's record grosses.

Obviously the most credit must go to the filmmakers, but in this day and age, watching a marketing masterpiece is a rare treat. Well done.

Freeways & Fairways

If you've ever watched The Amazing Race and thought it'd be better if the contestants were carrying golf clubs instead of backpacks, or if you've ever watched golf and thought it'd be better if the players drove the carts into each other at breakneck speeds... I have the show for you. They call it Highway 18, as apparently The Amazing Golf Cart Race was taken.

It lifts Race's formula almost exactly, except instead of having to zipline across a pool of lions riding sharks or whatever, these mismatched teams of two face increasingly difficult tasks on the links. Many of which involve playing as fast as they can, always a smart strategy for the sport ;) The teams include a father who allows his smartass son to call him by his first name and relentlessly berate him, two good ol' boys whose last name might as well be Duke, squabbling siblings, a 40 year old financial analyst and a trophy/token African-American girl that claim they have a "special friendship," and the requisite hot blondes. The host's qualifications appear to be that she was a two-time Miss Oregon contestant.

And yet, it works. The shift from driving challenges to driving the green challenges can be a little jarring, but it's a fun spin on a solid formula. Overall it feels a little like the first season of Top Chef – when Billy Joel's trophy wife was hosting instead of Padma. It's little rough around the edges, not quite figured out, but a decent idea. One suggestion – when people finish last but are spared from elimination by being given a "strike" against them... make it a mulligan. Like, you know, in golf?

Batmanimeh

Yeah, I use the "meh" joke a lot. Unfortunately, there's a lot of "meh" stuff out there, and the latest Batman animated movie, Gotham Knight, sadly earns that distinction as well. Even with top creators from the comic and anime worlds all under the watchful eye of Bruce Timm, the genius who basically defined the animated DC universe, this discourse on the Dark Knight never adds up to much.

What's wrong? Part of it's the format (six unconnected short stories), part of it's the promise (supposedly bridging the gap between Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) and a lot of the problems fall on the style. Most of what's on screen just looks and sounds wrong, particularly for something that's supposed to fit in with the movies. Aside from a few token references ("the Narrows," the Scarecrow) this version of Gotham would fit right in with Neo-Tokyo. Or the Sprawl. Or Tim Burton's backyard. And these interpretations of both Bruce Wayne and Batman don't mesh with the movies either – instead of being grounded in reality like Christian Bale, this Gotham Knight is bulletproof, fireproof, and apparently logicproof, as the shorts are typical anime fare – all flair and flash without much substance. Even Kevin Conroy, the voice of Batman for several series, feels off when his voice is coming out of this...

...or this...

...or, unfortunately, this:

Overall, some of the shorts fare better than the others, but you're better off seeing the big screen Batman instead. Pass.

Hancocked and Overloaded

Wow, this is a weird one – it's both better and worse than I thought it'd be. Deconstructing superheroes has been happening in comics for a few decades, but it's relatively new to the silver screen. Can Hancock stand up with pioneers like Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns or new classics like Astro City or Alias?

Um, no. There are interesting ideas and a promising presence, but a misguided twist and muddled mythos make this movie kind of a mess. Overall a watchable one, but certainly not a complete success. Will Smith plays Hancock – an apathetic, alcoholic superhero with a penchant for doing more harm than good, at least financially. On one of his early escapades, he saves a struggling PR exec (Jason Bateman, channeling kind of a combo of his dad roles from both Arrested Development and Juno) who decides to help rehabilitate the hated hero.

Smart concept, but after the initially fun scenes of Hancock's destructive heroics, the way it plays out drifts toward dumb. Faced with a series of summons and debt mounting in the millions, Hancock takes responsibility for his actions by agreeing to incarceration. It's part of the PR plan – prove to the public that he's willing to change and wait for them to need a hero again. And it works, as he answers the call a kindler, gentler (if somewhat more awkward) spin on Superman... until about the middle of the movie.

I'll avoid spoilers, but suffice to say that both Hancock's origin story and rogues gallery are weak at best. At worst, they make little to no sense and seem crammed in from an earlier treatment. At just over an hour and a half, the flick's sailing along at a nice little clip, takes a bizarre left turn that plays havoc with the plotting and pacing – and never truly recovers. It's a jarring shift in tone and storytelling that left me staring at the screen, wondering if I fell asleep and missed some crucial scene. There are a couple nice moments that wrap up the movie, but they don't hold up to more than a second's thought. Maybe a half second.

So what starts as a smartass satire of sorts turns into a fairly bizarre headscratcher. I mentioned it's better and worse than I thought – it doesn't deserve the blisteringly bad reviews it's getting, but it almost runs completely off the rails in ways you weren't envisioning. Is it worth seeing? I'll give it a light yes. Will Smith's good, Jason Bateman's funny and Charlize Theron is... um... hot. But you can prolly wait 'til DVD, particularly if you're not crazy about shakycam. Director Peter Berg takes his style from Friday Night Lights and overplays his handheld visuals a tad – so combine that with a sorta hit-and-miss movie and it might be more of a Netflixer.

Wanted dead or... well, pretty much just dead

Ok. If you're one of those "Wesley was blond in the comic so the second they cast James McAvoy I McAvowed not to see the movie" people, or of you're one of those "I'm actually not that fascinated by slo-mo shots of personalized bullets customized with witty messages exploding out of foreheads" people, this is not the movie for you.

Anyone else, get ready for a revenge tale with a heaping helping of gun porn. Wanted is based on a nihilistic supervillain comic (I could get all fanboy on you and say that it's "inspired by," as they lost the superhero angle entirely, but hey – the creator doesn't seem to have a problem with it; why should I?) about a cubicle-bound drone who's snapped out of his wage slave existence by learning that he isn't, in fact, an Account Service Manager... he's the son of the greatest assassin who ever lived. Oh, and that, with some training that primarily consists of getting beaten up, knifed and shooting pigs he has the ability to move super-fast, curve bullets and absorb an astonishing amount of pain.

Sounds fun, huh? Surprisingly, it is. While the movie diverges from the source material fairly seriously, it retains the WTF-like attitude that propels the audience through a series of increasingly impressive action set pieces. It's a little difficult to decide who to root for, as while Wesley's the protagonist, it's hard to call him a hero, but pretty early on you'll have seen cars flip over each other to land on and accelerate off buses, bullets crash into each other and dent in mid-air (on purpose!) and Angelina Jolie climb naked out of a healing bath of translucent wax, so it's also a little difficult to complain.

It's far from perfect – somewhat uneven, halfheartedly satirical and admittedly illogical, but it's by and large a blast. This isn't one to analyze to death, it's just one to check your head and enjoy... to death.

Maybe not Incredible...

...but far from terrible. The Incredible Hulk, the announcement of which most people reacted to with an Incredible Huh? turns out to be pretty good. It's still sort of minor summer entertainment – one of those flicks you can't remember much about as you're walking out – but it's a huge improvement over the Ang Lee-led disaster that almost killed the franchise.

First, it starts off strong – the Hulk's (retconned) creation is told in quick flashes during the opening credits, proving my theory that you don't need a whole movie of origin story when people know the characters. Second, Ed Norton Hulks out pretty quick and the movie's off to the races. There's still a bunch of Jekyll and Hyde haranguing and it's not exactly the deepest story (short version: Hulk meets and tries to beat a bigger, uglier Hulk) but if you're looking to watch a big rubbery CGI monster beat the hell out of a bigger somewhat less rubbery CGI monster, this delivers.

And Hulk looks about as good as he's going to, I think. In one of his many misfires, earlier director Ang Lee strapped on the mo-cap suit and performed the Hulk's movements, turning him into a prancing, mincing green jelly bean. Here he comes across as an out-of-control feral force of nature, which works much better. I spose one could sit thru the whole film pointing out that he looks kinda fakey, but at that point one's made up their mind to not enjoy the movie. This all-CGI Hulk holds up far better than, say, Michael Chiklis in The Thing suit, so I'll take it.

In terms of the cast, it's generally solid. Ed Norton is a significant upgrade from Eric Banna – he manages the internal angst of Bruce Banner without completely drowning the character. Liv Tyler's fine in a pretty thankless role and Tim Roth is a bit overeager as the main enemy Blonsky. William Hurt isn't great as the age-old trope of the General who doesn't care about anything except creating weapons, but he doesn't derail the film. There's one great cameo and a couple tired ones (Marvel Comics movies are no longer a novelty – can't we be done with Stan Lee?) and a pretty whiz-bang ending that sets up a sequel or Avengers movie pretty nicely.

Overall, it's a pleasant surprise, albeit a huge green angry one. Worth a watch.

Dunno about America, but this guy's Got Talent

Tuned into America's Got Talent last night, a show I'd always dismissed as a garish freakshow, perhaps because the combo of Piers Morgan, Sharon Osbourne, David Hasselhoff and Jerry Springer doesn't exactly scream "Talent!" to me.

And for much of the evening, I thought I was right. Sure, there was a cute four-year old singer and a nice moment with a male baton twirler, but overall nothing that made me consider the show any more than vaguely harmless summer filler. Until Neal E. Boyd, an insurance salesman from a lower-class background took the stage and absolutely blew everyone away. Take a watch – I got chills.



If this guy doesn't win, this show doesn't deserve to be on. Whether it holds up for a whole season is yet to be seen, but I'll tune in weekly to watch Boyd sing. You should too.

I doubt it'll be like this...

...mostly because Kal Penn isn't invited. Anyway, I'm off to Sin City for the weekend. I'd promise to post tales of debauchery and such, but as they say:

(yeah, that's not happening either ;)

One of the best movies you've prolly never seen

It's like Pulp Fiction meets Scream.
Netflix it now.

Tenacious P

In this weekend's smash hit, Jack Black basically plays himself in a CGI panda suit. It's not a timeless classic, but certainly a ton of fun. Detailing the plot for you would be pointless (short version: Unlikely Hero Saves Village); the film succeeds as an incredible animation showcase and a forum for Black's scattershot humor.

While DreamWorks' stuff always has a different edge than Pixar's, it's a terrific looking flick. It's packed with action (you can see the individual hairs of fur during the dramatic slo-mo shots in the fights) and the characters (including Dustin Hoffman, David Cross, Angelina Jolie and more) are incredibly animated. Black's the clear star of show, as the entire film is built around him vamping a bunch of kung fu humor.

Plus, it's appealing for parents without resorting to lazy parody (like much of Shrek) or being smarmy (like the rest of Shrek). It's light and breezy, the kung fu is fun, and the kids'll love it. Enjoy.

Lockebox

Excuse the Al Gore reference, but how many more chances will we get to make those? Regardless, incredible close to a spectacular season of Lost last night. Less of a complete mindblower than last year's, but prolly more emotionally rewarding. Can. Not. Wait. 'Til. 09.

Three Words

Watch.

This.

Show.

Sometimes...

...despite your worst fears, they get it right. At least I did ;) Kudos to Idol for crowning the rocker who was far beyond the competition. And, um, boo-dos (I guess) to Idol for running far beyond their two hours. When your whole year boils down to a few seconds, the producers should trade one of the tiresome medleys to get those few seconds in during the, you know, show. But enough bitching – tonight all is right in America... n Idol.

Overcooked

It doesn't quite move me to tears, but I am loathe to admit that I think David Archuleta's prolly gonna beat David Cook last night. I spose Daughtry proved that it doesn't matter much if the rocker wins, but watching Little David awkwardly shift back and forth on stage under the guise of "performance" still sorta makes my skin crawl.

As Idol finales goes, this one was typically overblown, even for a performance show. Atypically, tho, it appears that Rupert Murdoch must have recently bought professional boxing (perhaps to rename it "FOXing"?) because Fox pulled out every boxing cliche and pummeled us in the face with them. We got Michael Buffer doing his "let's get ready to Idol!" schtick. Side note: hey, Michael Buffer – let's get ready to... go away. The bloom's been off your rose ever since I saw you do the white-man's-overbite dance with your trophy wife/girlfriend at the B-List Godzilla premiere party ten years ago.

Anyway, back to the bout – in addition to Buffer, we got the Dueling Davids dressed in robes and gloves for their introductions. We got Jim Lampley barking boxing analysis at the beginning of each round. And if you're like me, we got tired of it pretty quickly. Particularly by the time Simon crowned the night a "knockout" for Archuleta.

Oh, and as Randy reminded us several times, the show took place in the new Nokia theatre at LA Live! Apparently the Davids were competing to be the King of the Nokia. And that they rocked the Nokia. And, oddly enough, that this is THE duel of 2007! I suppose he was looking to the past because they're getting ready to crown a mini version of Clay Aiken – Archuleta was "better" last night, in the sense that he nailed his treacly ballads. Clive Davis gave him a classic, the songwriter winner was in his wheelhouse, and his take on "Imagine" is pretty moving. Cook, however, started pretty strong with the U2 song, did the best he could with his songwriter winner, and then dug his own grave with a boring Collective Soul song that never took off. If he'd done a full length version of Always Be My Baby, I'd be writing a different post right now.

So the former Claymates can celebrate Little David's win by rechristening themselves "Archuladies" and Big David can become the next Daughtry. I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is that songwriter contest. Lose it – or at the very least, don't saddle the finalists with having to perform them. "Dream Big" was a forgettable piece of power pop, and Archuleta basically did a rehash of Kelly Clarkson's "Moment Like This." It's a bad idea executed poorly, and it leaves a gaping good-song-sized hole in the middle of the show. Let's fast-forward thru tonight's results and then fast-forward to next year's excruciating auditions.

902Idunn0

Whether it'll be worth the watch is hard to say from this EPK, but I'm cautiously the 90210 reboot. While it's a fairly obvious attempt to reclaim the throne that Gossip Girl inherited from The O.C. (which inherited it from Felicity which inherited it from Dawson's Creek which inherited it from Party of Five which inherited it from... 90210), it comes from good stock. Rob Thomas (Veronica Mars showrunner, not the Matchbox 20 guy) created it, and at the very least, it'll be amusing to see Jennie Garth (and rumored Tori Spelling and Ian Ziering) step back into the roles that created them.

And while this piece makes it feel a little more One Tree Hill than The Hills, the new showrunners (Jeff Judah and Gabe Sachs) have Freaks & Geeks and Life As We Know It experience and have re-written the pilot. So we'll have to wait and see whether this version of Donna Martin graduates with honors.

Sayonara Syesha

You never know, but I think it's her time to go. David Archuleta's got the former Claymate vote sewn up, David Cook's got the people who actually like good music vote sewn up, and that leaves Syesha sitting alone. On a chair. She'll prolly have a career, tho – just on a different stage. She's got some flair for Broadway, has a fine voice and acting experience... she just wouldn't sell albums.

Overall, it was an off night – kind of limping toward the finals. Frankly, everyone seemed exhausted – perhaps it was the process of cutting down, re-arranging, learning and performing three songs. Not sure why the shows are so truncated at this point – Idol drags us thru two hours of excruciating auditions several times a week; why not go to 90 minutes so the performances can be longer than 90 seconds?

No, Speed Racer, No

It's like Akira meets Blade Runner meets Carmaggedon meets Dragon Ball Z meets Every Which Way But Loose meets Fifth Element meets Gran Prix meets Herbie meets Indy 500 meets J-pop meets K-pop meets Lone Wolf and Cub meets Matrix meets Nascar meets Otaku meets Pole Position meets Road Warrior meets Sesame Street meets Tokyo Drift meets Ultron meets Videodrome meets WipeOut meets X:1999 meets Yakuza meets Zoom... all tossed into a digital blender and tossed up on the big screen for your viewing enjoyment.

Or lack thereof.

After breaking in with Bound, breaking thru with The Matrix, breaking down with the Matrix sequels and breaking out with V for Vendetta, The Wachowski Brothers break off more than they can chew with Speed Racer. Much was made of how they'd bring their signature visual style to the screen, but what it ends up meaning is an exercise in hyper-kinetic over-editing. The much-ballyhooed race sequences featuring auto fight scenes called "car fu" are almost impossible to follow, given that all the cars look alike, none of them are on-screen for more than a split-second, they rarely stay on the ground and we're given little to no idea where they are – on the track or in comparison to each other.

And that's only a small fraction of this two-hour-and-fifteen-minute ordeal; the rest consists of pedantic plots and amateurish acting that details a laborious screed against corporate culture set against life lessons like "be true to yourself," "family is good" and "everybody loves monkeys and/or smartass fat children."

Unless you're a completist that can't resist or have wet dreams of cargasms, do yourself a favor and pass on Speed Racer.

Iron Chic

The suit looked good, the cast looked great, the director looked solid... and yet I still kept expectations fairly low for Iron Man. In addition to this hero being a bit B-list, comic book movies in general are tougher to pull off than they seem. You've got to manage fanboy desires while making mainstream entertainment, tell a complete tale while setting up a sequel and deliver spectacular special effects without creating a CGI cartoon. So how does Iron Man hold up?

Why, with his proprietary repulsor ray technology, of course! Oh, and the movie? Fan. Effing. Tastic.

Iron Man starts this superhero season with a supersonic bang. It's directed and performed with unabashed joy and a witty sense of style. Robert Downey, Jr. is a perfect Tony Stark – brash and cocky, but absolutely believable. His repartee with Gwyneth Paltrow as is (sorta) better half Pepper Potts is fresh and fun. Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges elevate what could be fairly stock characters into actually interesting roles. And Jon Favreau holds it all together, directing would could have been an 800-pound iron gorilla with a deft hand and comic touch.

Special credit also goes to the writers (a committee of Mark Fergus, Hawk Ostby, Art Marcum and Matt Holloway) for creating an adventure that's truly fun and funny without sacrificing story for slapstick comedy. The laughs in the film (and there are many) are genuine – derived from character moments instead of pop culture references. And the plot, while not exactly breaking new ground, is tight and free from overcomplications that often burden comic book flicks.

Is it perfect? No – it errs a bit on the origin story side (I longed for one more act where the stakes get raised even higher), but that's unfortunately expected for a franchise-starter. And it could prolly use one more go-for-broke action sequence, tho what's in there is spectacular. But those are about the only nits I found to pick – overall it's a much-needed shot in the arm for the genre and a great start to the summer. It's not only well worth a watch, I'm anxious for a rewatch. Go. Enjoy.