Dances with Vikings

Ok, when I saw the poster for Pathfinder, I assumed it was a low-rent Lord of the Rings/D&D style ripoff. Someone cashing in on the fantasy trend. And given that there was basically no marketing (I never saw a trailer), I also assumed it sucked.

Oh, how wrong (and right) I was.

Pathfinder is, in fact, a "retelling" of the "legend" of how 600 years before Columbus, the Vikings showed up, raped and pillaged, and then were driven off by some mysterious force. The mysterious force, apparently, being a lone Viking child left behind on a scouting expedition who was raised by wolves. Well, Native Americans, really, but it doesn't make much of a difference.

Flash-forward to when Lil' Viking has adopted the ways of the Native Americans and grown up into proud warrior - Stands With a Sword, if you will. His original Viking family shows up and all hell breaks loose. Fortunately, Lil' Viking was off picking flowers or some such thing, so returns just in time to see everyone butchered so he can exact revenge like it's going out of style. Or maybe he created the style, since it happened long ago, I dunno.

Anyway, he chops off a lot of heads, hooks up with the hot Native American to Poke some Hontas, and chops off some more heads. The film's digitally graded to be forty shades of blue, but it's even more degrees of blah. I'd say pass and find some other path - Netflix Last of the Mohicans instead.

Bourne Again. And Again... And Again.

Friends and I staged The Ultimate Bourne-athon over the weekend. Watched Identity and Supremacy back-to-back on DVD then out to the theater for Ultimatum. Turns out re-watching them was well worth it , as I didn't remember the first two flicks as well as I thought (ha!), and the third not only wraps up the trilogy, but rather ingeniously wraps into the second.

Put simply, these movies redefined the spy genre for this generation – razor-tight action set against a real-world backdrop, with a somewhat unlikely hero at the center. The recent reboot of the Bond franchise, Casino Royale, is a direct descendant. The movies have, by and large, received raves, so rather than just add my cheers to the chorus, let me highlight two particularly impressive traits:

Dueling Directors: Not only did the franchise transition from Doug Liman to Paul Greengrass, but each director battled with the studios at every step. Identity was heavily re-shot, and relations between Liman and Universal became so acrimonious that he wasn't asked back. Greengrass started (and mostly finished) shooting Ultimatum without a script, which cause much hand-wringing among the producers. Yet the final products are brilliant; the outputs of true visionaries.

Actual Action: I don't think there's a drop of CGI tomfoolery in these films. The incredible car chases aren't the result of some messy Matrix-y mixup; it's clearly guys driving cars into other cars. And walls. And other guys. The fight scenes aren't a series laboriously choreographed mano a mano martial arts masturbation sessions; they're brutal displays of what it'd be like to get your ass seriously kicked by a guy that's way way WAY better than you are. Spectacular stuntwork all the way thru.

So if you haven't seen Ultimatum, catch it while it's on the big screen. If you haven't even met Jason Bourne yet, it's high time you got acquainted.

While I Do Think She Can Dance...

...Sabra was the wrong call last night. I'd've gone with Danny or Lacey by a mile. Neil was an afterthought, and while Sabra's a killer dancer, nothing she did was particularly memorable. Aside from the fact that she wasn't a great soloist, Lacey nailed everything from every genre. And all the judges said Danny was, put simply, the best dancer ever to grace that stage. Sigh. Once again, America lets us down.

BTW, if you didn't watch So You Think You Can Dance this year, do so next year. On every level, it's worlds better than Idol.

Had a Threesome...

...with these lovely ladies as I saw a trilogy of romantic comedies lately: Knocked Up, The Holiday and Music & Lyrics. None are particularly recent – I figure if you wanted to see these, you've seen them. Altho, SPOILER ALERT if you haven't. So rather than a traditional review, I present three Rules of Romantic Comedies derived from these movies:

Just Do It, Already
Unless you're pulling some sort of Crying Game-level surprise on us, it's a good bet that Harry and Sally are gonna end up together at the end of the picture. Just like Knocked Up's Ben and Alison, The Holiday's Amanda and Graham and Music & Lyrics' Alex and Sophie. Just like Julia Roberts & Anyone or Hugh Grant and Everyone Else. So don't take two hours and twenty minutes to do it! Knocked Up has lots of laughs, but falls prey to the same problem that sunk Wedding Crashers after an hour and a half or so – it runs out of funny and takes forever to... um... climax.

Don't Just Meet Cute
Encounter some actual, you know, obstacles along the way toward the altar. The hang-ups in The Holiday are minor - at best. Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet, fresh from getting out of bad relationships, switch houses and meet great guys. Winslet gets over the fact that she's a dishrag and Diaz conquers her inability to cry. Boo hoo. They all meet up for a New Year's Eve party, kiss, and the credits roll. That's a movie?

Stop Singing (Unless You're Supposed to Suck)
Our hero/heroine belting out a big number is often intended to be a high point in these movies. Not so much. It's generally designed to show how footloose and fancy free our characters feel while they're in love, but it mostly points out that actors can't sing (i.e. Bruce Willis, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Bacon, Russell Crowe, Juliette Lewis, Don Johnson...) Case in point: the faux 80s numbers in Music & Lyrics that open the show? Side-splitting. The heartfelt ballad that inexplicably closes it? Eye-rolling. Go the safe route – don't say anything.

Rock On, Pop•Tarts!

My man Frank may have posted weekly recaps of American Idol, but I'm throwing down the gauntlet to declare myself the bigger geek, I mean fan... because last night I ventured back to the muddy sounds of the Allstate Arena, but instead of power-popping myself to death, I had tickets to the American Idols Live! Tour... presented (with wild abandon) by Pop•Tarts.

Disclosure: I worked on a promotion with Idol, so this was a company outing with free tickets.
Full Disclosure: I secretly kinda just wanted to go.

It's hard to know where to go with a review like this. If you hate Idol and all it stands for, the sight of the 10 "best" singers in America covering a random smattering of hits isn't going to change your mind. If you're a fan (and a 9-year old girl), tho, it's everything you could hope for and more.

Embarrassingly Full Disclosure: The last time I attended a teeny-bopper show, I thought that maybe half the audience was half my age. This time, I'd consider myself lucky if half the audience had double-digits in their age. Sigh.

The tour is basically a series of greatest hits performances from the previous season: Phil sang Blaze of Glory looking like an extra from The Matrix, Melinda sang You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman looking like she had her neck surgically removed, and LaKisha sang I Will Always Love You looking like Whitney Houston ate Dolly Parton.

The crowd ate it up, altho it's debatable whether the actual performances or text-messaging shout outs like "screem if u luv Blakeee like me do!" posted on the jumbotrons got more response.

Other highlights and lowlights (your call as to which is which):

• Local girl Gina got engaged on stage, followed by a staggeringly bad performance of Life is a Highway
• Sanjaya led the crowd in a cheering contest to determine which part of the audience liked Pop•Tarts more
• Chris joined Blake in a beatbox-y medley of Virtual Insanity and Geek in the Pink
• The guys played actual instruments for a cover of Crazy that morphed into Hey Jude
• Haley wore an assortment of increasingly shorter skirts
  
• There was an odd twenty-minute intermission... an hour into the show
  
• Jordin (your actual American Idol) got her own set to belt out the lone original song, This is My Now
• Blake made an impromptu mashup of himself beatboxing the rhythm section, himself singing She Will Be Loved and himself singing With or Without You

In truth, Blake's prolly the breakout star. It'll be interesting to see whether Jordin Sparks joins the Kelly Clarksons and Carrie Underwoods of the world, or is reduced to the Fantasia Barrino/Rueben Studdard/Taylor Hicks level, but say what you want about Blake Lewis... that sumbitch can beatbox.

So - a good time was had by all, particularly if you loved Pop•Tarts and assorted Kellogg's products, as the Idols closed the show wearing retro cereal shirts and made sure to thank their corporate sponsor (Pop•Tarts, if you hadn't been paying attention) as well as their friends in Chicago as they walked off the stage.

Oh, and the Season Seven auditions are going on now. We'll catch up with Idol in January – for now, Stewart out!

Five Songs to Die By

I've been tagged by Frank for my fifteen funeral songs. As I'm less of a music guy, I'm going to pretend I misread and go with five. Enjoy (as I wouldn't, being – you know – dead and all ;) So. Without further ado, here's what you can play as I'm dirtsurfin' I haven't put the playlist in order... that'll be your job, livers!

I'd open by Welcoming my funereal guests to my personal Black Parade, thanks to my favorite death-poppers, My Chemical Romance.

Then bring things down a bit with Knockin' On Heaven's Door... the Guns 'n Roses version.

Get back on the power-pop track, but lightly, with I Miss You by blink-182.

Blow the doors off with another big inspirational kicker from MCR, Famous Last Words.

And leave 'em without a dry eye in the house (I hope) with Happy Ending from Mika (the first part, not the random hidden song after several interminable minutes of silence – there's a trend that needs to end).

Anyway, as you can see – while rock & roll will never die, I, apparently, cannot say the same. Cheers.

Mmmmm... ovie

Had a Very Simpsons Weekend: saw the movie and went to the 7-11 Kwik-E-Mart on the south side of Chicago. Both were fun, altho neither were the Best. Whatever. Ever.

Movie: Basically an oversized episode, but sort of like the show – still funnier than most of the "regular" movie comedies. Liked that they focused on The Simpsons and told more of a personal story than an overstuffed cameo-athon. I haven't watched the show with any regularity for years, and seeing the movie made me want to tune in again. Which, I suppose, makes the Fox executives very happy. D'oh!

Kwik-e-Mart: They were out of Krusty-Os and Buzz Cola, but I did get a chance to have a Squishee amd eat an "official" Simpsons donut which, shockingly, tasted like... a frosted donut with sprinkles. Still, tho – a really fun (and pretty ballsy) promotion. It's less of a total store takeover, but the signage set it apart and the plastic characters gave the store more... character than normal. Fun. Here are a couple more shots:

One-Word Review, Vol. II: As Ron might say...

Brilliant.

Guess the One-Word Review, Vol. I: Epilogue

Valerie wins, but Frank didn't exactly lose. It's kind of a return to the Pumpkins' roots, but it feels like they dug a little deep – I'd've much preferred a Siamese Dream/Mellon Collie mix than this Gish-y/Machina mashup. So I guess it "rocks," but it leaves me totally flat. I can't imagine when I'll listen to a song off this album again. The Pumpkins are better when they wear their power ballad heart on their sleeve.

Overall, tremendously disappointing. Here's hoping the return of Rage Against the Machine fares much better.

No, no – it’s Café Steamer, not Cleveland…

Given that I’ve crossed The Mendoza Line and I’ve got a wedding to appear in and wanna buy a coolass suit, I’ve started to explore the world of high-sodium, low-calorie frozen meals. The immediate options for food where I work blow, and I’m trying to find an evening balance between regular ol’ weekday dinner and fantabulous nights out on the town.

I suppose I’d do better actually cooking healthy meals for myself, but that ain’t gonna happen. I also suppose that I’m upping my salt intake rather dramatically, but whatev – I’ll start drinking more water. The larger concern is are these even edible?

We’ll see. Given that I’m loosening the reviewer’s shackles a bit with this blog, here’s the first installment of a (potentially) recurring segment...

Dining with Mr. Freeze
Vol. I: Healthy Choice Café Steamers: Cajun Chicken and Shrimp
Who knew they could make a double-boiler of sorts using microwaveable plastic? Why, the R&D guys at Healthy Choice, silly! It is pretty novel, tho – you microwave the whole bowl and then pour the top (food) into the bottom (sauce) to eat it.

Which is not as dirty as it sounds.

Anyway, the chicken didn’t turn to rubber and the shrimp actually cooked thru, so bonus points for both. To top it off (or bottom it, I guess) the sauce featured… flavor! So overall:

Recipe Realization: Good. Sometimes these things suffer from Airplane Food Syndrome (this was when they served food), where instead of just giving you a halfway decent sandwich, they try to microwave haute cuisine at 35,000 feet. But this tasted like the entrée’s title.

Filling Rating: Solid. Ate it while catching up on a bunch of friends’ blogs and didn’t feel like immediately running to the vending machine.

So Mr. Freeze says yes. What do you say? I'm conceivably eating a fairly large handful of these a week, so lemme know if you want to hear more about the aforementioned Cafe Steamers, Lean Cuisine's Paninis and Dinnertime Selects, Smart Ones and more.

Guess the One-Word Review, Vol. I

Rocks?
Sucks?
Bores?
Scores?

Worst Book = Best Movie?

Maybe. For the first couple Harry Potter movies, it was enough (barely) to parade the high points of the books on the screen with sort of a “there, see? We built a Hogwarts set!” attitude. Azkaban was the turning point, where Alfonso Cuaron begin filming the movies like, you know, movies as opposed to theme park rides.

Altho, full confession – I’m totally going to the Harry Potter theme park when it opens. First in line.

Back to the recap and review. Goblet of Fire failed to live up to the bar set by Azkaban, much of that blame landing squarely on the disheveled shoulders of Michael Gambon and his horrible “homeless hippie” interpretation of Dumbledore. But good news, Muggles – Order of the Phoenix might just clear the bar altogether.

As the source, the fifth novel is prolly the weakest of the series. I say prolly assuming (desperately hoping) that the soon-to-arrive-seventh tome will send Harry off in style, unlike Revenge of the Sith, Lemony Snicket or The Sopranos. It’s where the series really started to bloat (hundreds of pages building up to the OWL exams where… they pass and everything’s fine) and is dragged down by the jarring characterization of Harry becoming a teenager. Where he spends the first third of the book being angry, stomping around, speaking in ALL CAPS to prove how angry he is, yelling at friends and acting generally, well, angry.

But the necessary exercise of trimming the fat to transition it to film has helped this story immensely. Instead of reading chapter after chapter of ANGRY HARRY, we see it in Daniel Radcliffe’s performance. Instead of drowning in detail over his obsession with Cho, we get the necessary notes that kill that relationship while sowing the seeds of another. And, thankfully, instead of diverting our attention with concern over who’s to be Quidditch Captain, we focus on the fact that, you know, the Dark Lord has returned and there’s war in the air.

Aside from a few iffy matte shots in the broom ride through London sequence, the film looks magnificent. Gone are the awkward CGI moments and flow-killing special effects sequences. Everything is shot beautifully and integrated seamlessly. Not a frame of film is wasted on unnecessary exposition, and what plot points do need to be explained are done so by zooming through dynamic newspaper headlines of the Daily Prophet – a nicely magical update to a traditional storytelling device.

If there’s one criticism to make, it’s that the end feels a little eh, but that’s a problem from the original pages. It’s a bit rushed and some of the big reveals fall slightly flat, but never fear – it’s nowhere near a letdown on the level of, say, Matrix Revolutions. Overall, it’s a well-trimmed tale told terrifically well. Enjoy.

Don't Forget Singing the Bee Lyrics!

We've seen this before. Armageddon vs. Deep Impact. Volcano vs. Dante's Peak. Antz vs. A Bug's Life. Two movies, two studios, one plot. This time, strangely, it's not dueling asteroid or eruption or insect flicks, it's two competing karaoke shows. I guess it's not shocking, given the success of stuff like Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero, American Idol, etc. What is surprising is that one of them doesn't suck out loud. Read on to find out which one.

The Singing Bee is on NBC, and hosted by former N'Sync-er and Dancer with the Stars, the unfortunately named Joey Fat One. The second he frantically ran-danced through the aisles, randomly picking singers from the crowd, it was as if I could hear the bow of the ship scraping against an iceberg. The show is an abject disaster, highlighted (if only briefly) by the fact that the scantily clad backup dancers are called The Honey Bees and are dressed like... honeybees:
The flow of the show is that several audience members are called up on stage where they, along with Joey Fat One, sort of pseudo-dance to the everpresent music. The house band, featuring a variety of brutal cover singers, launches into a song and the contests must complete the lyrics. The second they make a misstep, a loud buzzer sounds and Joey Fat One smiles. They keep doing this to whittle it down, and the last singer standing wins some incredibly small cash prize. It feels like a particularly bad Saturday Night Live sketch.

Don't Forget the Lyrics, while unoriginal on several levels, is actually the better of the two. Altho it feels like a rushed ripoff of Singing Bee's karaoke concept with a title that's, oh, a bit too on the nose, they smartly "borrowed" Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's format. Instead of a cavalcade of hacks, we track the progress of one singer as he or she butchers several songs en route to a million dollar prize. Wayne Brady makes a great Regis, there are three similar lifelines, etc... it's basically the same show, set to music.

But honestly, it's harmless fun. Certainly not high art, not exactly appointment viewing, but worth a watch and worlds better than, well... The Singing Bee ;)

Improved with Age or Just Old?

While I technically grew up in the 70s, that wave of nostalgia meant nothing to me, as I wasn't really into pop culture things at 8, when they ended. I suppose if, instead of flared jeans, people had gotten back into Garanimals, I'd've been all over it. But really, I'm a child of the 80s.

Two relics of that era, Optimus Prime and John McClane have bashed their way back onto the big screen – how do they hold up? First, Transformers. Unfortunately, this is a bit like discovering a slice of limburger that you left in your toy chest 20 years ago. Full disclosure – I read the script for this a year and a half ago, so some of the issues weren't a big surprise. Also, I saw a screening about a week ago, but didn't want to run afoul of NDAs and such. Because what I would have posted is that this was a mess.

I used to consider myself a shameless Michael Bay fan, but over time I've realized that it really means I just liked Armageddeon. He puts big robots on the screen pretty well in this one, but everything else is a disaster. The plot has holes you could drive an Optimus Prime-size semi thru, most of the performances (particularly Jons Voight and Tuturro) are abysmal, and the pacing drags on and on. At some point, someone will rip the fight scenes off the DVD – that's worth a watch, but otherwise... not so much. Live Free or Die Hard, however, is a pleasant surprise. It doesn't really feel like "a Die Hard movie," in that he's not trapped alone in a building – it's more like Die Hard with a Vengeance in that Bruce Willis (with sidekick) are thrown together in a sprawling adventure. Full disclosure #2: I saw this movie at the end of what friends and I called "DH-Day," where we watched the first three movies before wrapping up the evening with number four.

Yippee-ki-yay.

But here's the thing – part four is fun. McClane has aged well, and they've acknowledged the fact that he's not twenty years younger. Justin Long as the hapazard associate is funny without being Richard Pryor in Superman III. The (mostly practical) stunts are spectacular, even tho they start to strain credibility pretty quickly. For sequels like these, much of their job is just to not piss all over the franchise, and never fear – this isn't Blues Brothers 2000 or Phantom Menace. It's a solid shot of old-school adrenaline that's definitely worth a watch.

Best. Five. Seconds. Ever.

I'm not the biggest "check out this funny link" guy in the world, but... check out this funny link.

Tagged by a Tough One

Well, not Valerie, who did the actual tagging, but the tag itself – list your favorite movies. Traditionally, I get all film geek at this question, insisting that I can't compare apples to oranges, that I'll only pick the top films of a specific genre, blah blah blah. Rather than belabor you with a ton of internal deliberation, I'll just go with gut responses (and photos ;) So this is isn't well considered, it's prolly not too accurate, but I'll count down my five regardless:
#5: The Matrix. The first one. Every so often, I make a concerted effort to pretend the sequels never existed, dig out the DVD and am surprised at how fantastic this flick still is. While bullet time has lost some of its gee-whiz appeal, the movie itself hasn't lost a bit of its power. From the "he's beginning to believe" moment when Neo wrangles the helicopter on, this one's still a killer.

#4: Scream Trilogy. Speaking of killers, my favorite horror series makes the list. The pop culture parts are less relevant now, and the meta-appeal of characters being aware of the film versions of their peril has now been overdone, but at the time, Scream was like that shot of adrenaline plunged into Uma Thurman's chest in Pulp Fiction. Set the (fairly stupid) horror industry on its ear, turning what's traditionally an exercise in exploitation into a hyper-literate whodunit... and kept the momentum thru two remarkably solid sequels.

#3: Empire Strikes Back. Another exercise in pretending a certain section of the saga doesn't exists (the prequels instead of the sequels), but if you can forget Teenakin and the Jar-Jars remember how big a deal it was when Darth Vader said "I am your father." It's become kind of cliche to say that Empire's the best of the Star Wars saga, but watch it again – it's an incredible mix of action and emotion, pyrotechnics and pathos.
#2: Raiders of the Lost Ark. I almost went with another "whole saga" vote here, but a) Temple of Doom, while not as bad as I originally remembered, still ain't great and b) dunno how Part IV will turn out... yet. Last Crusade was a fantastic return to form – but the form was founded with Raiders. It's Lucas doing what he does well (story, not script), Spielberg at his absolute best and Harrison Ford before he started making stuff like Firewall. An absolutely perfect adventure.

#1. The Lord of the Rings. Yes, the Extended Editions and yes, the whole damn thing, as I consider it one twelve-hour movie. One can quibbles with a few details and someone will eventually surpass the special effects, but for raw grandeur and sheer spectacular emotion, it can't be beat. I have, on occasion, sat and watched all three extended edition DVDs in a row – it's a hell of a day. Confession: I got a little teary the first time I saw Rivendell. Anyway, the most impressive example of consistent filmmaking vision I know.

Some honorable mentions that occurred along the way: Back to the Future Trilogy, particularly Part II, which I think is beyond brilliant. The New Jersey Trilogy consisting of Clerks, Chasing Amy and Clerks II (ignore Mallrats and Jay & Silent Bob, etc.) And can't forget the two great two-letter sequels, T2 and X2.

Frank and Chris, you're it. Everyone else – thoughts?

Superheroes Suit Me

Ok, lemme preface this by saying I'm a Batman guy. I don't read him consistently anymore (have gotten a little more Marvel than DC), but how can one argue with a man driven half (at least) insane by blind rage, keeping himself going only by waging an endless, unwinnable revenge quest to strike holy terror into the black hearts of evil criminals? Don Quixote, my ass. Plus, Catwoman. C'mon.

And I loved Batman Begins. It regularly shoots out for Best Superhero Movie with X2, the most recently viewed generally being on top. So I'm biased. That said, WB released a promo image of the new Batsuit, and while I'm well aware of the perils of commenting on still shots of costumes (remember how terrible the X-Men looked? and how great Superman looked? Whoops.) prior to seeing them onscreen, I'm gonna take a shot regardless. And I'm gonna do it without resorting to any of that "Holy Insert Pun Here" Adam West/Burt Ward nonsense that still haunts my dreams. So click the pic for a bigger shot and read on.

Given that trying to leverage the cloth comic look would land us squarely in the Christopher Reeve camp, I think they've done a fantastic job with this costume. It fits with the design ethic of military suit parts put to another use, much like the Batmobile (I'm not sold on the Batpod, but that's another post). Plus, it doesn't have a big yellow target in the center or nipples. More detail...

Things I like:

• Multiple pieces in the cowl means Batman can finally turn his head. The world's greatest crimefighter goes through life with about a 30 degree cone of vision? Um, no. "Hey, criminal cohorts – I've figured out how we can finally defeat our mortal enemy... approach him from the side!"
  
• Spikes on his arms are retractable. Otherwise he'd have a hard time fitting thru doors and alleys.
• It looks like armor that goes over his muscles, not armor that's made of muscles.
• He's standing – and denting – on a police car. 9-1-1- is a joke in Gotham, too! Take that, 5-0!
  

Things I don't like:

• The utility belt's still strangely gold and a little crotchy. Yes, we can assume Batman's packing a high-caliber weapon down south. Move on.
• Ears are still too big. It's as if some D-girl keeps saying "But people won't understand that he's a Bat, man." They look slightly streamlined, but should be more like short nubs. Better balance.
• Wish the cape was bigger/cooler. Supposedly it's got some powers of its own, but it should be almost a living extension of his hate and rage. Not like Christian Bale tied a towel around his neck.

Overall I'm good with it. And having gotten a fairly detailed script synopsis a few months ago, I'm fairly confident that the flick will rock. For now, I believe in Harvey Dent.

Fant-eh-stic Bore, Too

The first Fantastic Four flick certainly didn't live up to its title. This one's a bit better, altho I dunno if they're gonna get to the point where they have to consider what to name Fantastic Four... IV.

Anyway, the reason this one succeeds slightly is that it's freed from the burden of exposition. We know who the Four are, we know what Fantastic things they can do, so it's good to see them just do it. Human Torch's fire effects seem to have improved, and they had a bit more fun with Mr. Fantastic's stretchability, but The Thing still looks and acts like... a guy in a rubber rock suit. Jessica Alba's basically her own special effect, altho they do saddle her (not as fun as it sounds) with a weird wig/dye job and bizarrely blue contacts.

The new wrinkle this time is the arrival of the Silver Surfer, who looks like the morphy T-1000 from Terminator 2... on a surfboard. He works for Galactus, the Destroyer of Worlds, who sends the Surfer to scout out worlds for him to, well, destroy. In the comics, Galactus is a really big guy who actually eats planets. The movie shows him as an indistinct cloud that engulfs Earth. I get that a giant in a pink hat eating the world prolly doesn't work well on film but a big cloud is still basically a big cloud.

There's a lot of hand-wringing about Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman's wedding, proving that no action movie can exist without cliched character drama. There's a hardass army general, proving that a moral compass or common sense don't appear on any recruiting (or Central Casting) form. There's Dr. Doom again, proving that Hollywood still wants more villains so they can sell more action figures. There's the second Stan Lee cameo of the summer, proving that we should stop paying him homage. And the whole thing feels really poorly paced, proving that director Tim Story is a Chris Columbus-level hack.

What works? The races and chases with the Surfer are fun. Chris Evans highlights the film again as Johnny Storm. His banter with Ben Grimm is amusing. And it's short.

Should you go? Dunno. If you're a big Fantastic Four fan, you'll likely be both pleased and pissed as it gets as many notes wrong as it does right. If you're not, you'll likely slot it in somewhere between Daredevil and Ghost Rider in terms of iffy superhero movies. If you're a kid, you'll likely enjoy it, altho you're also not likely reading this. So overall, prolly not – Netflix The Incredibles instead.

13th Time's a Charm

Ok, just to clear the air – I was "in" for Ocean's 11, and thought the only real problem with 12 was that it wasn't called Ocean's Dozen. The Julia Roberts mistaken identity stuff was a bit misguided, and the whole thing smacked a bit of having been dreamed up over too much vino on Clooney's Lake Como veranda, but still – harmless.

Regardless of how far 12 fell from the tree, 13 is a refreshing return to form. There's little to no unnecessary exposition (the line "it's not their fight" explains why Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones are absent) and the reason for being is simple and fun – revenge. Al Pacino, an evil casino owner (are there good ones?) named Bank, gypped the crew's mentor out of money and the shock drove him to the hospital. The gang comes up with a plan to bankrupt Bank and bury his opening night gala.

And... that's it. The rest of the flick follows the ups and downs of getting it done. The scheme is brilliant, it's shot with style, and this time the cast lets you in on the fun. It's not high art - if caper movies do nothing for you, this ain't gonna change your mind. But if the idea of watching a bunch of supercool guys pull a supercool scheme, all the while acting... supercool, then there are way worse ways to spend ten bucks and two hours.

So-So pranos

After successfully avoiding getting spoiled on Monday, I hunkered down to watch the Sopranos series finale last night. Funny story – right at the end of the episode, while Meadow was parking and Creepy Guy went to the bathroom, the DVR recording ran out early. Thinking I missed some shocking revelations, I dialed it up on On Demand, fast forwarded to the end and – less funny story – didn't miss a thing. I realize this isn't news at this point, but thought I'd share my views.

Overall, eh. Maybe even feh. I wasn't surprised that it didn't end with a bloodbath or 80s style freeze frame, but it was still pretty annoying. Yet typical. From the 18+ month breaks between reduced-episode seasons to the excruciating explorations of less-than-secondary characters to satisfy the creators' whims, the show unfortunately evolved from a brilliant, breakthrough take on a tired genre to a self-important exercise in indulgence.

The series slid so far off the rails, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but even the things it used to do well were botched – Phil getting his head shot and then crushed by a car full of babies while random onlookers laugh and vomit is smacks more of Naked Gun than Sopranos.

And it ended that way. I guess I get the point, that they've made it thru their immediate trials, but their life will always be a series of looking over your shoulder moments, but it felt so inconsequential that it's hard to get invested in it. When a show thumbs its nose at you, trying to flaunt its supposed superiority, it better deliver. And this was a few peppers short of a Satriale's sandwich.

For those in search of closure: