I was tempted to stop the review right there, Spinal Tap-style, but a few more words must be said. Those words are: do not, under any circumstances, see Hitman.

Timothy Olyphant, good in pretty much everything else he's ever been in, is not in this. He plays the titular Hitman, a killer with neither a name nor conscience - just a tattoo on the back of his bald head indicating the number an order of monks that trains assassins branded him with. I'm basically skipping over the fact that there is, apparently, an order of monks that trains assassins because the movie does, too. I guess we're supposed to have memorized the videogames the movie's based on for it to make any sense. Or at least to explain why Olyphant shambles like an improperly assembled mannequin thru most of the flick.

The plot feels hastily tossed together by a member of the target audience, which I presume are frustrated fifteen year olds. Hitman kills some guys. Turns out one of the guys is a double of another guy. Other Hitmen try to kill Hitman but he talks them into dying with dignity, so they don't shoot him - instead opting to get sworded to death. Some chick wants to have sex with Hitman but he doesn't, because he's so cool. Hitman kills some more guys. Hitman kills a lot more guys. One guy traps Hitman in a chair, but a helicopter flies by and shoots everything up. Hitman escapes, goes back to nail that chick, and stands on a building to look cool. With a gun. 'Cause he's Hitman.

I mean Shitman. Pass.


Prison Broken

Ok. Prison Break always required a healthy suspension of disbelief. But even as an ode to coincidence, it had its pleasures. The gee-whiz neatery of the original escape. The pleasant surprise that was the on-the-run fun of Season 2. And, for tha ladeez, the fact that Wentworth Miller would have to frequently take off his shirt to inspect his tattoos. But as the curtain fell on the strike-shortened "fall finale," it's time to come to grips with this... Prison Break makes no sense.

The third season had a potentially nice twist - Michael Scofield, the original prison breaker, found himself behind bars and his recently-freed brother Linc, the original prison breakee (?) had to get him out. Isn't it ironic... don't'cha think? However, the showrunners didn't stop at some fun hunter-has-become-the-hunted deliciousness, they opted to up the ante by locking Scofield inside "SONA."

Which is a Panamanian prison.
Where the police have sent the worst criminals imaginable.
Then backed off to a safe perimeter.
And let the inmates run the asylum.
While they flew unicorns down a trail of rainbows.

Well, the last bit hasn't happened yet, but my DVR cut off the scenes from the next episodes, so who knows - it wouldn't be out of character for this show that apparently takes place in some grungy South American version of fantasyland. In addition to the completely nonsensical locale, Scofield is saddled with a mission that involves busting out not only himself, but another criminal named Whistler, wanted by "The Company."

The conspiracy elements of the show have always been the weakest, but they were allowable amidst the Shawshankian hijinks inside the walls of Fox River. But now, where Scofield might as well change his name to MacGyver and establish a rate card for breaking out of increasingly ludicrous prisons, trying to follow the exploits of Whistler, who needs to be broken out of SONA for... some reason, by... some people, at... some specific time is an exercise in frustration.

SPOILER ALERT for people who are still watching: to close the fall season, The Company, much like the rest of us, got tired of waiting for the kids to break out of SONA and stormed it with helicopters. It's unclear why they didn't do this, say, before Scofield showed up. It didn't work, Scofield got blamed for it, and as his punishment... got freed from the prison. It's unclear why they didn't, say, shoot him like every single other person who tried to escape. One assumes he'll be put in an even worse prison - perhaps on the moon. Or Atlantis. Or in The Running Man.

Or perhaps he'll be caught by the most powerful force of all - the Writer's Strike.